5 Characteristics of the ego-driven business | Mindset tips for female entrepreneurs

I was scrolling through instagram recently when I saw someone sharing business advice. 

And it. 

Was. 

Terrible. 

It wasn’t terrible because it was bad advice, but it was terrible because of what this post did after giving the advice. After giving this advice, the person went on to say that if you didn’t follow their advice (which was an arbitrary preference, not something backed by any data), you would be disrespected as a business owner. 

I was shocked and disappointed to see a person with influence wielding it to control and limit others by creating rules and then instilling fear in people if they didn’t follow them...but here’s the thing. This mindset has a name. And it exists in ALL of us. 

So, let’s learn about this mindset so that when we notice it in ourselves, we can quiet it and choose something better. And when we notice it in others, we can steer clear of it-because mindset is contagious. The mindsets you spend the most time with have the most influence on you. 

What’s the ego driven mind? 

You might hear the word “ego” and immediately think of a person who’s full of themselves-someone who “has a big ego,” perhaps. But the ego-mind isn’t just someone talking about themselves with high regard...possibly with a few eye rolls from the peanut gallery.

The ego mind is a part of our thinking minds made to keep us playing small. It will do anything to protect us and keep us safe and is completely obsessed with maintaining appearances to others. 

This part of the brain knows no end to manipulation and control if it feels threatened or insecure, but more importantly? 

The ego-driven mind is deeply insecure and disempowered. So lets get to know what this looks like a bit better so you can recognize when it shows up in your thinking.

5 traits of an ego driven business

1. Fueled by fear, doubt, and worry

2. Worried about appearances (comparison)

3. Lives by limitation

4. Self-centered and critical

5. Finds validation in separation

Where will ego take your business?

Ultimately ego is the mindset of comparison and either putting others down or limiting and controlling them on their path to success. You can either drive this behavior or receive it and feel put down and judged. But if you realize you’re operating from an ego state, it’s time to make a change. 

My story with an ego-driven business

A few years ago, the ego completely drove my life and business. Constantly worried about appearances, I would stress about weight gained, followers lost, and people ghosting. 

But what I didn’t know was my purpose, vision and mission. These worries were low-level distractions that only led me to loss and grief. 

The ego is most pleased when you’re spinning in circles trying to fix irrelevant issues. It feels most comfortable playing the comparison game and living in the thoughts that start with “what if…” “I can’t” and “I should.”
Your ego will only levy expectation and judgment on you. And that’s not healthy for anyone.

What’s the alternative?

The alternative to living and thinking in your ego mind is your higher self, your intuition or your soul. While there are a bunch of different names for this part of your thinking, your intuition (My personal fave description) is fueled by your goals, vision, purpose, and mission. It is kind and compassionate, and operates from your best interest. Your intuition isn’t dramatic and is often quiet if you haven’t been listening to it. It brings up limiting beliefs not to distract you, but to allow you to get rid of them. 

5 characteristics of your Intuition 

1. Fueled by your purpose, vision, and mission

2. Focused on impact

3. Lives in abundance and infinite potential

4. Self-compassionate and loving

5. Finds worthiness in self. Spreads love to all

3

What you resist persists

A few months ago I was getting into a really great diet routine, I was working out regularly and just feeling really good. This change and effort was coming from a place aligned with my identity, (where we always create lasting change).

I was so excited, and then I got sick, and not just me, our whole family. My 12 month old son was up in the middle of the night throwing up and it was just terrible. We were all really weak, sick, and tired. The sad thing is that we didn’t only get sick the one time. We got sick the first time, got a little break just in time to have my son’s birthday party. We made the mistake of having 18 people stay with us and then we were sick all over again.

While I was in the process of getting over my stomach bug the second time, I found myself getting discouraged. I was discouraged because I was thinking about all of the things that I was excited for in my health, and my business. As I was laying in bed recovering, trying so hard not to throw up the cracker that I just ate, I thought of something interesting. What you resist persists.

How do we resist?

What I mean by that is the more we hold things at arm’s length and try to hold things off, the more those things persist in our lives. Now what we may not be thinking of is the fact that when we resist things we’re avoiding them. We are doing our best to keep them away from us. There are things in our lives that we hold at bay, whether it is some kind of outcome, social situation, money situation, or really anything.

What we do not realize is that we are using a whole lot of effort to hold that thing off. So, for example let's say that we want to hold off debt in our lives. What are we actually focusing on? We are focused on the debt itself. We do not focus on the abundance in our life right now. Right?

What I found in my season of illness and our household getting sick over and over again is that the more I thought about how sick I was and that I didn’t have time for this, the longer that sickness persisted. I kept thinking to myself how awful this season of life was that we were going through, I became frustrated because I wasn’t feeling better as quickly as I thought I should. The more I focused on that, the longer the sickness went on. I am not saying that it went on only because I was focused on that, but just keep in mind the reality that what we resist persists.

What resisting looks like

These are a few examples of things that I used to do in regards to resisting. In another business of mine I spent a year where I was focused on getting reviews for that business. I saw another business owner doing it and I felt like I needed to get really good reviews also. But I also thought I can’t get any bad reviews and I inwardly begged that nobody would leave me a bad review. I kept focusing on creating this resistance, like I was holding the door closed on someone who is trying to get in. That is what resistance feels like.

During that year I was so focused on not getting any bad reviews, which created resistance. I was trying so hard to hold off the bad reviews on our 6-7 year old business. As I look back, can you guess which year we did get one bad review? Your right! It was the year that I placed all my energy and focus on the very thing that I didn’t want.

Resistance can also feel like driving a car. You have a foot on the gas, but you also have your emergency brake on. You can still drive your car with the emergency brake on, but it is really difficult and will eventually severely damage your car.

Take a look at yourself

I want to encourage you to take a look at your life and see if there is something that you can easily identify that you are avoiding. Something that you are kind of trying to keep out by holding the door closed as it tries to push its way in. Like an annoying little brother who would be trying to get into a room and I would be fighting and holding the door closed because he was annoying me. If you have something like that in your life, it isn’t necessarily bad news for you, but you should know that it is really just going to keep coming up for you.

Putting all of that time and effort into focusing on holding the door closed means that all of your strength and energy is invested into the very thing that you do not want. This means that you are probably going to still end up getting the result that you don’t really want.

You may be asking now, how do we change that? Here are a few quick tips for you that can help:

Tip Number 1

Start visualizing what you do want instead of what you do not want.

Stay focused on what you want, and do not allow yourself to get distracted by the things that you don’t want.

Tip Number 2

Check on your support system.

Do you have a support system? Does your support system understand how lonely entrepreneurship can be? Does your support system see how sometimes you are sitting in a room all by yourself? How your doing things against all the obstacles that come up, how you are taking risks, and how money can be scary and you may not know when your paycheck is going to come in, or even how it is going to come in? Do they get it? If they don’t, look for a support system that specifically understands the unique and difficult challenges of entrepreneurship.

Tip Number 3

Get out your journal.

You may be thinking, “Oh my word, another journaling person.” No, journaling scientifically does things in our brains that moves out beliefs from one portion of our brain to the other and then out. This is not a one and done situation, you have to be regularly writing out your thoughts. Our limiting beliefs, and our negative thoughts don’t have to just stay inside of our brains. We can take action and move them out by writing.

Rewiring for success

I often take my clients through a four week process where we spend time rewiring our brains for success. Because the reality of all of this is that our brains are designed to keep us safe, and to keep us away from danger. Being entrepreneurs is hard on our brains because most of the things that we need to act on to succeed are way outside of our brains comfort zone.

We have so many responsibilities, we are the ones who work out our taxes and our business expenses. We are the ones who have to constantly be innovating. If we don’t innovate, no one else will, if we don’t innovate no one disapproves. But most importantly, if we do not innovate, our business dies.

All of that brings me to the point that I am really trying to focus on. You need to shift some things in order to stop all of the resisting in your life. My point is that what you resist persists, so if we stop resisting all of the things in our lives, then we naturally have to create a state of allowing. This is the place that caused me to feel a little uncomfortable. For me it was simply that I was sick and I would stay that way for a little while, until both I and my body as a whole was feeling better.

Instead of holding off, or feeling depressed or angry, what if we just sat with our feelings for a little while? What would that ultimately change? What space would that blow open inside of your heart? What creativity might start flowing? This conversation is so important to have with yourself.

For me this conversation looks a little like this. Yes I am sick. But instead of resisting that because it keeps persisting, I am going to accept it and allow it and recognize that I am still okay if nothing changes as quickly as I would like.

I am seeing alot of people right now focusing on change and strategy in their businesses. I am seeing articles like - Three quick tips that you do to market your business , or Three ways that you can create passive income. But you know the reality is that none of those things matter. If your brain is hardwired for failure, if it is hardwired to keep you limited and safe, you are going to be failing. All of those skills and strategies are like putting a bandaid on a wound that requires surgery. Does that method make any sense? No. What first needs to happen is you need to rewrite your beliefs, and rewire your brains.

Our brains filtration system

Our brains have something inside them called the Reticular Activating System. This is essentially our filter system. The world around causes us to receive way too much data into our brain at any one time, so our brains are made with a filter system. How our brains filter that data is based on what we believe. Our brains will look at what we believe - which is thought plus emotion repeated over and over and over again. Then our brains will take that and say, “I’ll just automate that belief and I’ll bring in everything that lines up with that belief and I will filter out anything that doesn’t.”

We spend so much of our time using our brains in their default setting, when our brains are meant to be our operating system that we program with our specifications, what we need. I believe that God has given us these beautiful brains and we don’t even invest any time in learning how to use them. All too often we let the outside circumstances dictate how we feel. However we need to remember that we create change from the inside out, like we are the thermostat. We set the temperature and it stays at that temperature no matter what the temperature is outside. We should be like a thermostat, not going up or down depending on the temperature that is around us. We set the temperature because we are working from the inside out.

Two important things to remember as you are developing your mindset in our business, or even if you are going through something in your life. What you resist persists, and Set the temperature for your own success. Don’t forget what can happen if you simply sit in the moment with your circumstances and embrace where you are at. You will not be disappointed with the results.

My favorite books part 2 | energy and success

Mindset books are what got me hooked on personal growth to begin with…but the first time I cracked open a book on energy and success..I wasn’t prepared for how triggered I felt! I knew I wasn’t taking responsibility for who I was being while I was working…and that needed to change.

My top picks are easy to read-whether because of humor, story, or just the comfort in knowing that being a loving person pays off.

Comment below-what books do you recommend?

Books on Energy and Success

E2 by Pam Grout

This book is a terrific primer on your energy. Pam’s great sense of humor, numerous stories to help make her point, and the experiments at the end of each chapter will leave you knowing first hand that mindset isn’t the ONLY thing playing a role in you creating a life you love. Read or listen to this. Do the experiments. And ask yourself what needs to change in your energy in order to change your results.

You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay

I’ve been on quite the journey to improve my life and when I read You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, it really changed my perspective on personal wellness. I don’t think it’s smart to believe in a “magic pill” type of approach to wellness-the idea that one thing is going to cure all our maladies.

This book really offered me the opportunity to understand how unresolved thoughts and emotions do affect our bodies so much. Caring for our thoughts and emotions can contribute to our health and wellbeing and is an important result of mindset work.

The Law of Divine Compensation by Marianne Williamson

This was an early read in my personal growth journey and I wasn’t quite ready for it. When I returned to it, I gained so much! Who we’re being is what we get back in the world. And this book breaks it down so we see the transforming power of being a loving and compassionate, and empowered person. Such a good read!

You2 by Price Pritchett

Oh my word-this tiny little pamphlet is a very short read, but opens with a story that struck home with me in a big way. If you want to learn how to create quantum growth in your life, this is the primer for that. Like a dreamy pep-talk to help you refocus and create results in quantum leaps!

Coaching books

The Prosperous Coach by Steve Chandler and Rich Litvin

I can’t for the life of me grasp why this book is $40, but I am glad I bought it! As much as I love improving myself, I LOVE my craft. I adore learning how to be an excellent coach and I love what I do. I’ve fallen hard for coaching and I’ve found something I believe my soul was made to do. So learning how to be prosperous while doing it was what drew me to this book. My biggest takeaway was this: in a world of coaches trying to scale group programs, no longer offering 1:1 coaching, and focusing on online course, you can run a highly profitable and transformative 1:1 coaching practice. It was so nice to hear from someone who is genuinely passionate for the 1:1 work as I am and makes multiple 7-figures doing it. If you love coaching, this is a great read!

Comment below and share your favorite books!

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How I break through limiting beliefs | the 5 phases of a breakthrough

The breakthrough cycle

I teach that all personal and professional growth follows a natural pattern-plants follow this growth pattern and humans do as well. I call it the Breakthrough cycle. Just like a plant was never meant to stay a seed, we were never meant to remain in our comfort zones. So…what happens next?

I recently had an amazing breakthrough around setting goals and believing my goals were “big” or “difficult”.

I went through each of these steps and along the way, I felt so reassured and confident because I knew what was coming. I knew that good things were already on their way to me.

The comfort zone

This is the place, not of comfort, but of familiarity. Even if what’s familiar is pain, poor treatment, disappointment, self-abandonment, frustration, and feeling judged or overlooked. Until we recognize that we get who we are, we can’t really change our results.

And when we decide we want something we’ve never had before, we step outside of our comfort zone and into:

The tension phase

During the tension phase, any limiting belief or block we are holding that prevents us from being successful will come up for us to deal with. For people unaware of the Breakthrough Cycle, they get wrapped up in the drama of it all, putting out fires and feeling frustrated and stressed with life.

We don’t need to have a tension buildup before a breakthrough- I think it’s important to clarify this. Tension ONLY builds when we hold limiting beliefs that conflict with our ability to accomplish our goals or have our dream. Focusing on our dream or goal inherently means that our unconscious mind releases to our awareness anything that prevents us from having it.

The problem is that most of us don’t know this and buy into it. Which leads to a breakdown.

But…if you’re like me and understand what’s happening, you learn to just observe how you’re showing up during the tension phase. Are you showing up with frustration, comparison, self-judgment, and more? How you be now is what you get back later.

Or…as the tension builds, are you loving yourself and others? Are you trusting that everything is unfolding for you, not happening to you? Are you smiling inside, knowing that no matter the external troubles, you know in the pit of your stomach that something good is about to unfold.

The decision point-breakdown or breakthrough?

When our mind is done providing us with our limiting beliefs on a platter, we are left with a decision. We can break down? or Breakthrough?

And every moment we spend judging, doubting, comparing, regretting, hesitating, and more, ensures that we break down instead of breakthrough.

But ever moment that we choose to see the good, we choose to focus our thoughts toward what we want, we celebrate our lives, we choose love and compassion , we are then choosing a breakthrough.

And I think it’s important to say this (this stuck with me after one of my mentors shared this):

You don’t NEED to have a breakdown in order to have a breakthrough…but if you’re going to break down…you might as well break through, right?

So, what is a breakthrough?

A breakthrough is a sudden realization that provides us with clarity, direction, and momentum toward our desired life. It’s that “a-ha!!” moment, the glass-house shattering, the light-bulb clicking on, the sudden awareness where you’ll never see your life and choices the same way again. And deep inside, this “new” realization is not new-it’s truth that you’re remembering after years of smothering it with limitations.

Why do we need breakthroughs?

Breakthroughs change the way we act! Now that we understand things differently, we feel differently-hopeful, an inner knowing in our tummies, curious.

Once we feel differently, we start acting differently. Our actions are fueled by possibility instead of predictability. We act from the place of already having the thing we want-this perspective and the feelings it brings up for us naturally lead us to choose different actions than we would have before a breakthrough.

Now, instead of splattering things against a wall to see what sticks, you’re showing up from the energy of “I do all I can with all I have and I know the universe will meet me with like force.”

And that’s when your results truly change.

When I had a breakthrough around viewing my goals as small rather than big and difficult, I made my goal! I created a $25k month and couldn’t be prouder!

So, is breaking through limiting beliefs worth it?

Absolutely. (see above-confidence, and a $25k month.)

Does it get results?

It’s the ONLY thing that really does get results. It was never force applied. It was the thoughts that created the force…applied in the right direction.

So, next time you feel the tension building, I want you to remember this;

what if the tension in your life right now is just a sign that good things are coming? ⁠⁠

What do you think? Have you experienced the Breakthrough Cycle in your life? I’d love to hear about it-comment below and share:

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Ready to breakthrough your own limiting beliefs? Here’s how The Breakthrough Method can help you wherever you are at in your mindset journey:

Blindspot Breakthrough coaching

My short-term transformational coaching to help you eradicate the 4 biggest money blocks deep in your unconscious mind. Perfect for people who are done doubting themselves and burning out, and ready to become magnetic to money.

Private Breakthrough Mentorship

A 4 month coaching commitment for the entrepreneur who’s been having some breakthroughs and is ready to integrate everything she’s learned, operating from her new empowered truths instead of limiting beliefs. Includes all the transformational unconscious mind work to help you release any blocks. Also includes immediate access to Magnetic Minds, Fresh Start, and Jumpstart

Your dreams aren't too big | What happens when we downgrade our dreams

C.S. Lewis once said:

“We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

This quote came to my mind recently when I created a monthly money goal and immediately thought “I don’t know if I can do that.”

I doubted myself, believed it would be hard to make THAT much money, and more. Oh, the drama.

Have you been there before?

The quality of your life is determined by the questions you ask yourself

As soon as I saw the mental drama for what it was, I chose to change the questions I was asking myself.

Instead of asking myself “is this even possible? I mean…do you have any proof you can do that this month?”

I asked myself: “how would I feel if I had already accomplished my money goal? It’s done. It’s in the past. How do I feel in this moment?”

I felt pride! I felt like my faith was proven right, even when I had no proof.

And I recognized that operating from the plane of possibility is what it takes to create something you’ve never created before.

As soon as I recognized this mindset shift, I asked myself this powerful question:

When did I decide that my dreams are lofty and unattainable?

Because, what if they aren’t? what if, in all actuality, my dreams are only big and difficult because I can’t imagine more than what I’ve created?

But what if what I’ve created is the equivalent of making mud pies in the streets and the truth is that what’s available to me is the holiday at the sea? Would I understand that my dreams aren’t too big…they’re really too small?

Why do we downgrade our dreams?

We want a 6-figure year…but then we feel the need to justify it. We explain why we want it…going so far as to attach some kind of huge charity endeavor to it to prove that we will still be good people if we make a lot of money.

We want the money…and then immediately feel shame, remembering all the times we tried and failed with a goal.

Changing our point of view to increase our abundance

But what we don’t understand is that there’s another entire universe. It’s here all around us and we’ve been blind.

While we were feeling like $10k months was too much, unnecessary, meant we were selfish, or was just hard to make happen, people all around us illustrated that wealth beyond our comprehension is all around us.

• People driving by you in cars that cost more than you make in a year.

• Someone carrying a handbag that costs more than you make in a month.

• People donating to charity more money than you think you can make in your whole lifetime.

While we’re explaining and justifying away our tiny dreams, the world is moving on, creating income we can even understand.

What if we defined our goals through the lens of infinite abundance instead of scarcity and impossibility

Beyond our finite world of predictable and logical, is the creator of an entire universe, who created mind-blowingly complex, illogically beautiful things….because the creator could. Because the creator of the universe is infinite creativity and unlimited potential.

What if we defined our dreams by a standard of what’s possible…not what’s predictable.

On the other side of the veil we’ve been seeing life through, is an entire world defined by abundance and possibility. A world where there’s no maximum to the amount you can charge or make because there will always be more.

The reality is…our biggest dreams are still a drop in the bucket compared to the limitless abundance, powerful creativity, and overflowing love of God.

So…what if your dream isn’t too big…what if it’s too small.

And…what if it works this time?

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Recommended program

for the woman ready to expand her business from the plane of possibility:

Private Breakthrough Mentorship

Private Mentorship is the perfect fit for woman who wants to become her own success story, massively increasing her wealth, confidence, and visibility.

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My 3 favorite tools for my morning mindset routine (2021 edition)

I've been studying mindset-reading, getting trainings and advanced certifications on this mindset passion of mine for years! And by now, I have a few favorite tools.

But there's 3 tools I keep going back to. I go back to them because they're simple, easy, and they work. Today I'm going to share them for you-if you have any questions on these or want to learn how to use these for yourself, programs are linked below

Watch or listen to today’s video to learn my 3 favorite mindset tools AND get a bonus mini-meditation.
*disclaimer-please listen to the mini-meditation when you are in a safe place. Do not listen while driving or other activities that require your attention.

My 3 favorite mindset tools (2021 edition)

Tool #1:

My first favorite tool may not be a surprise-it's journaling. I don't journaling every single day (more on my approach later), but I have journaling down to a tried and true routine that helps me end my journaling session feeling calm and focused, tapped into my creative power, and acting in alignment with my dream life. I love what I do with my journaling practice so much. It's simple, elegant, and very manageable in the wee hours of the morning!

Join Jumpstart and learn how to use journaling to tap into your creative power and manifest 5 figure cash months

Tool #2: 

One of the tools I go back to often when I feel a little emotionally blocked up or "stuck," is EFT tapping. EFT, or emotional freedom technique is my favorite resource to help me get my energy polarized correctly and flowing again. If we store emotions instead of properly releasing them, it can cause blockages in our energy (have you ever felt the effects of stress?? That’s blocked energy in the form of pain). EFT helps me shift from a negative energy into a positive one, releasing any stopped up emotions. I tap for just about everything most mornings-worry, limiting beliefs, self-worth, happiness, and more. It's one of my go-to tools to help me manage my state of mind.

Learn how to use EFT tapping to help you release stuck energy here:

Tool #3:

since our minds are set to naturally focus on the negative (negativity bias is the formal name), I use visualization techniques, including how I use my breakthrough board in order to train my mind to focus on my desired life-you know, the one where I feel happy, make more than enough money, love each of my clients on my sold-out calendar, and the one where I have vacations planned with my family (I'm thinking we need to go back to Portugal, asap!).

Learn how to leverage tools like visualization and subconscious mind work to clear your money blocks and create your best month ever:

It's important to me that I make it easy on myself to honor my mindset practice. I do things to make this time enjoyable-sacred almost. I make a delicious beverage (coffee or tea), light a scented candle that I love, and really ease into a space where I am becoming the woman who lives her dream life.
If you want this too, I’d recommend you start with journaling-it’s the most accessible place to start and you’ll notice a change quickly.

Comment below-what does your mindset routine look like?

3 things you need to know about upleveling

An uplevel is the phase following a breakthrough where you assimilate a higher energetic state and assimilate new beliefs into your thinking. It’s a REALLY cool phase, but I notice that people (myself included) often view it as their savior-they think an uplevel solves all their mindset problems. They’ll be reveling in pure bliss, total abundance, and will never have a stressor again.

And when the cold, hard, reality of an uplevel sinks in, people have a tendency to search for their good old comfort zone again, undoing all their dedicated personal growth work.

So here’s what ACTUALLY happens when you uplevel

An uplevel is a physical and healing experience

Emotions vibrate at specific frequencies  in our bodies (like radio stations). Joy vibrates the highest, fear vibrates the lowest.

the higher the vibration in our bodies, the more easily our cells communicate with each other, your body then heals and grows, and we attract in things on that same wavelength.

For contrast, when we vibrate at the heaviest, lowest frequencies of fear, guilt, shame, or anger, our brain sends mixed, confusing messages to our cells. Our cells vibrate slower and communicate with each other less. This causes breakdown in the body, illness, and disease.

Case in point-does stress affect you?

yeah.

That’s vibrational incoherence in your body triggered by low vibration emotions.

An uplevel is the act of your body assimilating the energy and higher frequency that comes with elevated emotions and beliefs.

This is super cool…but is a physical experience-you may experience dizziness, buzzing in your ears, clumsiness, or confusion. That’s normal and very temporary. It may feel draining at first, but soon, you’ll feel incredibly joyful and energized!

An uplevel has requirements

Upleveling is like going to a club (which is a hilarious example because I’ve never been to one…but it fits!) When you get to an uplevel, you need to prove you’re in the right place, much like arriving at a club and a bouncer asking for your ID. If you’re meant to be there, you’ll be able to meet the requirements and prove it through:

• personal boundaries

• forgiveness

• letting go of limiting beliefs

• acting as if you’ve already accomplishing your big goals

After an uplevel, you’ll experience new opportunities to ‘put your money where your mouth is’ and act like you believe what you believe. This comes out in how we move through relationships, circulate money, and engage with ourselves.

If you uplevel, you’re accepting the opportunity to act like it. And you’ll be tested-this is simply God showing us exactly where to put our beliefs into action.

Uplevels aren’t permanent…

I know! no one wants to hear this! But it’s true. Uplevels aren’t a guaranteed permanent level in our lives (really, the only thing that’s permanent is impermanence.). If you don’t actually implement your beliefs when you are tested, you’ll naturally search for your comfort zone. That’s the very binary reality of mindset work-you either choose to implement your changes OR you retreat to your comfort zone.

So next time you think that you’re permanently at a new level, remember that an uplevel requires maintenance, just like reaching your goal weight. You don’t stop eating healthfully or moving your body. You maintain your progress in your mind just as you do in your body.

Are you setting toxic goals? The 2 Mindsets driving toxic goals and how to fix them

Welcome to a new year! It’s goal setting time and the energy is high. But I’m already seeing the cracks in people’s goal-setting approach and it’s time we talk about it.

I hear so many people at the start of the year trying to shape themselves into perfection. I hear things like:

• “I’m finally going to get healthy.”

• “I’m actually going to workout.”

• “I’m going to prep my meals and actually use what’s in my fridge.” 

• “I”m going to learn to be content with what I have and stop buying things.”

But, behind those great goals is a conflict and I always feel so uncomfortable listening to people share their goals when I can see this conflict waging war.

What’s the conflict?

Who I am vs. who I wish I were

We betray ourselves daily then get mad at ourselves for that betrayal. We’ve become machines of distrust and unkindness...we’ve trained ourselves to be this way. But here we are, looking for that breath of fresh air, the hope of a new start. 

We don’t need a new start. 

We need a new mindset.

We need to stop judging ourselves and rejecting ourselves. We need to let go of alllll that deep-seated anger we hold against ourselves. We need to stop holding the good things we want hostage until we “measure up” or “do better.” 

So let’s talk about what drives that kind of toxic-goal setting:

The two mindsets driving toxic goals

Toxic goal mindset 1 | Victim mindset

Everything we want to have in life can be traced back to how we think around circumstances, or events in life that are outside our control. 

• When we believe that circumstance is something that we are helpless toward, we start THINKING like a victim. 

• And we know that when we THINK like a victim, we FEEL like a victim. 

• When we FEEL like a victim, we ACT like a victim. 

• And when we ACT like a victim, we get RESULTS that prove to us that we are indeed...a victim. 

This often sounds like goals driven by the things you can’t fix-”this will be the year that I finally lose the 20 pounds. My work schedule is really weird, so I can’t eat at normal times and gained weight because of it.”

And I hear it all the time-it’s one of the biggest driving forces in how we create goals…and how we explain not achieving them.

Toxic goal mindset 2 | Ego-mind

The second and MOST powerful mindset driving our goals is the ego-mind. The ego mind is simply our brain’s safety mechanism. It’s job is to protect us from risks. But it does so in subtle, tricky ways. 

It is the “mean girl” voice inside our heads, worried about appearances and reputation. It’s obsessed with fitting in and being accepted. It makes arbitrary rules in an effort to control you (keep you safe). And if you REALLY don’t listen to it, it usually gets mean, telling you you’re not good enough, you “should be” doing (X,Y, or Z), etc. 

The ego is like a big, slobbery, Jaba the Hut in our minds. Revolting to see, but reveling in its ability to get what it wants by being mean to you or creating arbitrary rules you can never live by.

Instead of creating victim based, ego-driven goals, I want to offer you the opportunity to choose an upgraded mindset. 

The 2 mindsets behind abundant goals

The two mindsets that create actual lasting change are: 

Abundant goal mindset 1 | Self-Love & compassion

Self love and compassion looks like accepting yourself for who you are without judgment. (did you feel your body just pause, then relax? That’s a sign of acceptance!) It’s making goals with no intention of CHANGING yourself, but instead, accepting and improving yourself. We’re made to desire excellence. We’re made to yearn for more. But when we try to change ourselves by using goals? We’re just living in self-hatred and ego-mind instead of love and acceptance.

Self-love is also compassion for your wounds-the anger you’ve held against yourself, the impossible standards you’ve held yourself to and ideals that you don’t even value. It’s not just accepting that you’ve lived that way, it’s also feeling compassion that those actions reflect that you’re operating from a wounded state.

Abundant goal mindset 2 | Radical personal responsibility

This is the idea of detaching your identity from your circumstances-stop making everything MEAN something about you and your potential! Let it exist and take responsibility for how you think about it. That’s the only thing that is ours to foster and grow-our thoughts about our circumstances.

Taking radical personal responsibility is a commitment not to changing yourself, but to showing UP for yourself. It’s a commitment to pursuing excellence through your daily actions.

Radical personal responsibility involves first accepting WHY you want what you want. Then realizing you’re the best one (and only one) to give that to yourself.

It’s understanding that if you want that ideal version of you, you have to get up out of your seat and go do it yourself. It’s scary to realize that no one is coming to save you-but it’s even better to realize that you never needed saving in the first place.

It’s in taking responsibility for what HASN’T worked for you and why it hasn’t and then creating solutions that are better suited to where you’re at now.

If you’re wanting to start taking radical personal responsibility, you must stop playing the blame game. Whether it’s algorithms, ghosting, or why you ate what you ate, blaming it on something you can’t control is leaving you powerless.

The first step to radical personal responsibility ISN’T a big pep talk, hyping yourself up to follow through on your goals. Instead, it’s observing your thoughts without judgment. Just like you’d observe a lion at the zoo. Seeing the thoughts come into your head and observing how they make you feel.

That’s the first step.

Want more steps for radical personal responsibility?

Here’s the difference between toxic and abundant goals:

Now that we’ve done a deep dive on the mindsets driving our toxic or abundant goals, what do toxic and abundant goals look and feel like in action? We want to be able to spot them in the wild, so here’s a breakdown for you to start filtering your own goals when they pop into your head in the target self-check when you think “oh my word, I need to lost 20 lbs. And here I am buying Spicy Cheddar cheese puffs again. Oh well…at least they’re the gluten free kind…But seriously on that 20 lbs. I’m for real this time.” (toxic thinking, if you didn’t pick up on that already!)