How to heal your consistency issues | Bay Area mindset coach

A client recently dropped this gem of a question in a Q&A:

I think my biggest questions are HOW do I leave that scarcity mindset - specifically around my health. I find that I always go all in, do awesome for 2 days, then make a misstep and throw in the towel. I find that pattern repeat in many areas of life and I don’t know how to stop the cycle. I just want a consistent, balanced, maintained practice.

If you’ve ever struggled with being consistent, showing up for yourself all the way through until you’ve crossed the finish line, and you feel discouraged even thinking of starting something new-especially when that new thing involves improving yourself in some way, tune in to this video. It’s a good one.

My old “self-improvement” strategy | self-abandonment

A few years ago, I would have named consistency one of my worst weaknesses. It was embarrassing to me and something I felt deep shame around. For me the cycle went a lot like this:

1. Learn something new

2. Have a breakthrough about this new knowledge as it relates to me

3. Envision how it would feel to change

4. Get all worked up and excited to make a change

5. Commit

6. Immediate self-doubt

7. half-hearted try at this new commitment

8. Mess up

9. Give up

That’s it. That was my self-improvement strategy for decades of my life-since I was a small girl.

My new self improvement strategy | personal excellence

Now, however? I can’t imagine not seeing something I’ve committed to all the way through. I can’t imagine abandoning a launch even though the response to it isn’t great. I can’t imagine starting a journaling practice commitment and not seeing it all the way through. Why? Because I’ve healed the real problem.

For me, it was never about a lack of follow through, it was really me being at war with myself and abandoning myself.

When I healed my need to abandon myself when I doubted my capabilities, follow through became a natural by-product of my commitment to me.

Leading from a place of personal excellence is my life’s vision: I choose to be a better human every day and only use my own data to inform my progress. I don’t compare myself to others, I don’t wish I were different, and I no longer check out when I’m having a hard time.

Now, one of the things I’m most proud of is that I can be present with myself when things feel hard, overwhelming, scary, or painful. I’ve got my own back.

This is the greatest gift I’ve ever given to myself.

Enjoy today’s video and comment to let me know if my story or this coaching snippet resonates with you. I hope it does.

Much love to you today.

Video | Consistency doesn’t make you worthy of your dreams.

---

How I break through limiting beliefs | the 5 phases of a breakthrough

The breakthrough cycle

I teach that all personal and professional growth follows a natural pattern-plants follow this growth pattern and humans do as well. I call it the Breakthrough cycle. Just like a plant was never meant to stay a seed, we were never meant to remain in our comfort zones. So…what happens next?

I recently had an amazing breakthrough around setting goals and believing my goals were “big” or “difficult”.

I went through each of these steps and along the way, I felt so reassured and confident because I knew what was coming. I knew that good things were already on their way to me.

The comfort zone

This is the place, not of comfort, but of familiarity. Even if what’s familiar is pain, poor treatment, disappointment, self-abandonment, frustration, and feeling judged or overlooked. Until we recognize that we get who we are, we can’t really change our results.

And when we decide we want something we’ve never had before, we step outside of our comfort zone and into:

The tension phase

During the tension phase, any limiting belief or block we are holding that prevents us from being successful will come up for us to deal with. For people unaware of the Breakthrough Cycle, they get wrapped up in the drama of it all, putting out fires and feeling frustrated and stressed with life.

We don’t need to have a tension buildup before a breakthrough- I think it’s important to clarify this. Tension ONLY builds when we hold limiting beliefs that conflict with our ability to accomplish our goals or have our dream. Focusing on our dream or goal inherently means that our unconscious mind releases to our awareness anything that prevents us from having it.

The problem is that most of us don’t know this and buy into it. Which leads to a breakdown.

But…if you’re like me and understand what’s happening, you learn to just observe how you’re showing up during the tension phase. Are you showing up with frustration, comparison, self-judgment, and more? How you be now is what you get back later.

Or…as the tension builds, are you loving yourself and others? Are you trusting that everything is unfolding for you, not happening to you? Are you smiling inside, knowing that no matter the external troubles, you know in the pit of your stomach that something good is about to unfold.

The decision point-breakdown or breakthrough?

When our mind is done providing us with our limiting beliefs on a platter, we are left with a decision. We can break down? or Breakthrough?

And every moment we spend judging, doubting, comparing, regretting, hesitating, and more, ensures that we break down instead of breakthrough.

But ever moment that we choose to see the good, we choose to focus our thoughts toward what we want, we celebrate our lives, we choose love and compassion , we are then choosing a breakthrough.

And I think it’s important to say this (this stuck with me after one of my mentors shared this):

You don’t NEED to have a breakdown in order to have a breakthrough…but if you’re going to break down…you might as well break through, right?

So, what is a breakthrough?

A breakthrough is a sudden realization that provides us with clarity, direction, and momentum toward our desired life. It’s that “a-ha!!” moment, the glass-house shattering, the light-bulb clicking on, the sudden awareness where you’ll never see your life and choices the same way again. And deep inside, this “new” realization is not new-it’s truth that you’re remembering after years of smothering it with limitations.

Why do we need breakthroughs?

Breakthroughs change the way we act! Now that we understand things differently, we feel differently-hopeful, an inner knowing in our tummies, curious.

Once we feel differently, we start acting differently. Our actions are fueled by possibility instead of predictability. We act from the place of already having the thing we want-this perspective and the feelings it brings up for us naturally lead us to choose different actions than we would have before a breakthrough.

Now, instead of splattering things against a wall to see what sticks, you’re showing up from the energy of “I do all I can with all I have and I know the universe will meet me with like force.”

And that’s when your results truly change.

When I had a breakthrough around viewing my goals as small rather than big and difficult, I made my goal! I created a $25k month and couldn’t be prouder!

So, is breaking through limiting beliefs worth it?

Absolutely. (see above-confidence, and a $25k month.)

Does it get results?

It’s the ONLY thing that really does get results. It was never force applied. It was the thoughts that created the force…applied in the right direction.

So, next time you feel the tension building, I want you to remember this;

what if the tension in your life right now is just a sign that good things are coming? ⁠⁠

What do you think? Have you experienced the Breakthrough Cycle in your life? I’d love to hear about it-comment below and share:

---

Ready to breakthrough your own limiting beliefs? Here’s how The Breakthrough Method can help you wherever you are at in your mindset journey:

Blindspot Breakthrough coaching

My short-term transformational coaching to help you eradicate the 4 biggest money blocks deep in your unconscious mind. Perfect for people who are done doubting themselves and burning out, and ready to become magnetic to money.

Private Breakthrough Mentorship

A 4 month coaching commitment for the entrepreneur who’s been having some breakthroughs and is ready to integrate everything she’s learned, operating from her new empowered truths instead of limiting beliefs. Includes all the transformational unconscious mind work to help you release any blocks. Also includes immediate access to Magnetic Minds, Fresh Start, and Jumpstart

Are you setting toxic goals? The 2 Mindsets driving toxic goals and how to fix them

Welcome to a new year! It’s goal setting time and the energy is high. But I’m already seeing the cracks in people’s goal-setting approach and it’s time we talk about it.

I hear so many people at the start of the year trying to shape themselves into perfection. I hear things like:

• “I’m finally going to get healthy.”

• “I’m actually going to workout.”

• “I’m going to prep my meals and actually use what’s in my fridge.” 

• “I”m going to learn to be content with what I have and stop buying things.”

But, behind those great goals is a conflict and I always feel so uncomfortable listening to people share their goals when I can see this conflict waging war.

What’s the conflict?

Who I am vs. who I wish I were

We betray ourselves daily then get mad at ourselves for that betrayal. We’ve become machines of distrust and unkindness...we’ve trained ourselves to be this way. But here we are, looking for that breath of fresh air, the hope of a new start. 

We don’t need a new start. 

We need a new mindset.

We need to stop judging ourselves and rejecting ourselves. We need to let go of alllll that deep-seated anger we hold against ourselves. We need to stop holding the good things we want hostage until we “measure up” or “do better.” 

So let’s talk about what drives that kind of toxic-goal setting:

The two mindsets driving toxic goals

Toxic goal mindset 1 | Victim mindset

Everything we want to have in life can be traced back to how we think around circumstances, or events in life that are outside our control. 

• When we believe that circumstance is something that we are helpless toward, we start THINKING like a victim. 

• And we know that when we THINK like a victim, we FEEL like a victim. 

• When we FEEL like a victim, we ACT like a victim. 

• And when we ACT like a victim, we get RESULTS that prove to us that we are indeed...a victim. 

This often sounds like goals driven by the things you can’t fix-”this will be the year that I finally lose the 20 pounds. My work schedule is really weird, so I can’t eat at normal times and gained weight because of it.”

And I hear it all the time-it’s one of the biggest driving forces in how we create goals…and how we explain not achieving them.

Toxic goal mindset 2 | Ego-mind

The second and MOST powerful mindset driving our goals is the ego-mind. The ego mind is simply our brain’s safety mechanism. It’s job is to protect us from risks. But it does so in subtle, tricky ways. 

It is the “mean girl” voice inside our heads, worried about appearances and reputation. It’s obsessed with fitting in and being accepted. It makes arbitrary rules in an effort to control you (keep you safe). And if you REALLY don’t listen to it, it usually gets mean, telling you you’re not good enough, you “should be” doing (X,Y, or Z), etc. 

The ego is like a big, slobbery, Jaba the Hut in our minds. Revolting to see, but reveling in its ability to get what it wants by being mean to you or creating arbitrary rules you can never live by.

Instead of creating victim based, ego-driven goals, I want to offer you the opportunity to choose an upgraded mindset. 

The 2 mindsets behind abundant goals

The two mindsets that create actual lasting change are: 

Abundant goal mindset 1 | Self-Love & compassion

Self love and compassion looks like accepting yourself for who you are without judgment. (did you feel your body just pause, then relax? That’s a sign of acceptance!) It’s making goals with no intention of CHANGING yourself, but instead, accepting and improving yourself. We’re made to desire excellence. We’re made to yearn for more. But when we try to change ourselves by using goals? We’re just living in self-hatred and ego-mind instead of love and acceptance.

Self-love is also compassion for your wounds-the anger you’ve held against yourself, the impossible standards you’ve held yourself to and ideals that you don’t even value. It’s not just accepting that you’ve lived that way, it’s also feeling compassion that those actions reflect that you’re operating from a wounded state.

Abundant goal mindset 2 | Radical personal responsibility

This is the idea of detaching your identity from your circumstances-stop making everything MEAN something about you and your potential! Let it exist and take responsibility for how you think about it. That’s the only thing that is ours to foster and grow-our thoughts about our circumstances.

Taking radical personal responsibility is a commitment not to changing yourself, but to showing UP for yourself. It’s a commitment to pursuing excellence through your daily actions.

Radical personal responsibility involves first accepting WHY you want what you want. Then realizing you’re the best one (and only one) to give that to yourself.

It’s understanding that if you want that ideal version of you, you have to get up out of your seat and go do it yourself. It’s scary to realize that no one is coming to save you-but it’s even better to realize that you never needed saving in the first place.

It’s in taking responsibility for what HASN’T worked for you and why it hasn’t and then creating solutions that are better suited to where you’re at now.

If you’re wanting to start taking radical personal responsibility, you must stop playing the blame game. Whether it’s algorithms, ghosting, or why you ate what you ate, blaming it on something you can’t control is leaving you powerless.

The first step to radical personal responsibility ISN’T a big pep talk, hyping yourself up to follow through on your goals. Instead, it’s observing your thoughts without judgment. Just like you’d observe a lion at the zoo. Seeing the thoughts come into your head and observing how they make you feel.

That’s the first step.

Want more steps for radical personal responsibility?

Here’s the difference between toxic and abundant goals:

Now that we’ve done a deep dive on the mindsets driving our toxic or abundant goals, what do toxic and abundant goals look and feel like in action? We want to be able to spot them in the wild, so here’s a breakdown for you to start filtering your own goals when they pop into your head in the target self-check when you think “oh my word, I need to lost 20 lbs. And here I am buying Spicy Cheddar cheese puffs again. Oh well…at least they’re the gluten free kind…But seriously on that 20 lbs. I’m for real this time.” (toxic thinking, if you didn’t pick up on that already!)

Are you playing jenga with your business? | How to see a fixed mindset in your business

The game of Jenga and your business

Have you ever played a game of Jenga? I always loved that game-every move was so full of suspense. I was the girl that ruined the game for everyone because I’d scream really loudly when the Jenga tower would topple.

Someone’s mom would get mad about the screaming, shut it down, and then everyone would give me the stink eye.

No matter what I did, I couldn’t help it! I loved the thrill of seeing how high we could build the tower before it toppled.

Little did I know that I’d get the same thrill in my business.

The only thing you can count on in a game of jenga is that the tower WILL topple. It’s inevitable.

How I created a business filled with avoidance

And, I learned that operating my business from a place of avoidance was the same as playing a game of Jenga. My business would topple.

Why?

Because I kept pulling out my own foundation by avoiding all the things I was scared of or overwhelmed by and only doing things that looked good from the outside. Pretty soon my business had no legs to stand on. I ran my business right into the ground because of avoidance. My husband had no clue that the things he passed off to me to do were just being added to tomorrow’s to-do list. Every. Day. for eight months.

It only took 8 months to realize that my really tall tower was wobbling. I had gotten us publications around the world. I had gotten us opportunities to shoot in other countries, meet people that were where we wanted to be. Grow our instagram numbers. Isn’t that success?

It was a wobbling Jenga tower and it was about to crash down. Why? Because I learned that:

You can’t go for very long avoiding the emails because you don’t know how to answer them.

You can’t go very long avoiding an unhappy client because you’re scared if you bring it up they’ll leave you a bad review.

You can’t go very long avoiding your profit and loss reports because you don’t know how to use quickbooks...and you’re afraid of the truth they hold.

You can’t go very far without building your network because you’re scared that everyone’s better than you.

You can’t build a business without asking for the sale

You can’t hope people will book you because they like you so much that you don’t have to differentiate yourself

You can’t hope that someone else will just do the hard stuff for you

You can’t eat away the fear

You can’t starve away the fear

You can’t scroll away the fear

You can’t pleasure away the fear.

You can’t avoid the fear.

Here’s the thing. If you run your business from a place of avoidance, it can grow. Just like a Jenga tower, you’ll have false hope that your business is growing. You’ll feel like the avoidance is something that doesn’t really matter-it’s not really a problem, right?

But all you’re doing is pulling from the bottom to add to the top. You’re pulling out your very foundation to make the tower look taller.

You’re celebrating instagram followers and engagement when you don’t have customers

You’re celebrating a publication or feature when you don’t have visibility

You’re celebrating your portfolio when you have no message

You’re celebrating your success when you have no time to enjoy your life

And pretty soon, you’ll find yourself watching the whole thing topple.

How my Jenga business toppled

I didn’t realize my Jenga tower was toppling until I was photographing a wedding during my second pregnancy. I was experiencing horrible cramping and working with some of the most unkind vendors I’ve ever worked with. I was working in the most extreme conditions-the longest timeline, the most extreme cold temperatures, and deepest physical pain.

And I started to wonder if I was losing the baby I hadn’t told anyone about yet.

I was in so much pain, I could barely stand and was being monitoring by an overbearing contractor who decided it was her job to make sure I was constantly busy. I kept stepping away to stretch my back because I couldn’t stand up straight-I knew something was wrong.

And she kept searching for me and giving me menial tasks. I started asking myself if all the work I’d put into my business was worth this moment, eating a cold, gummy pasta salad after 10 hours of hard work, not being able to take care of myself and being micromanaged by someone who was overcompensating for their insecurity by bossing people around. This felt like the lowest moment of my business.

The next morning, my worst nightmare came true for the second time. After one of the most trying events of my life, I lost my second baby.

It was during that time that I realized that none of what I’d built really mattered because all I was left with at the end of it was avoidance, fear, resentment and pain.

I had built a business that looked good on the outside, but that I frantically wanted to escape from.

The pain of avoidance

It doesn’t have to be that way,  you know. You don’t have to run your business from that place of avoidance.

You don’t have to carry around that tattered rotating to-do list of things you said you’d do yesterday but avoided. You don’t have to make a new set of goals, hoping they’ll fix you. You don’t have to dread tax time, not having a clue what your numbers are. You don’t have to dread your sales calls because you don’t know if anyone will actually book you.

The beauty of being scared

You don’t need to be anything BUT scared. I’m giving you permission to be scared. You don’t need to change how you feel in order to do the scary things. Scary isn’t a sign that something is wrong. So just go do it, my love.

Do it anyway

Do it scared

Do it unsure

Do it without it all figured out

Do it and cringe afterward

Do it and facepalm

Do it and get back up

But just do it.

Do you know you’re still beautiful when you’re scared? You’re still worthy? And you’re still successful? It’s not the fear that’s the problem, its avoiding fear that created the Jenga business in the first place.

You can’t increase your site traffic if you never publish that first cringeworthy post.

What is one brave step you can take today that will move you from avoidance into action? You can do this-I’m cheering you on!

7 Signs of a Scarcity Mindset

I’ve been on quite the mindset journey over the past several years-maybe you’ve been around to see my transformation firsthand. If you haven’t, lemme break it down for ya:

I used to live with a mindset that success is a fixed trait you’re born with. I could only do things that I knew I’d be 100% successful at or I’d have to live with the confirmation that I was a failure.

I also lived with a crippling belief that everything I needed and wanted was outside myself. It was not for me. And it was a limited quantity that I had to get to before someone else. You might call that competitive, but that’s not really true. It’s scarcity. Scarcity is the belief that everything you want or need is in a limited quantity and you either have to get to it first or you completely miss out because someone else got your resource first. It’s most prevalent in people’s beliefs around money, but it really relates to EVERYTHING in life!

Scarcity is a completely sucky way to live. But it’s not permanent. I’ve been on a transformational journey of finding abundance in my life and now my norm is abundant living and thinking. An abundance mindset believes that there’s enough for everyone, that new ideas, clients, money, and life is always being created, and that everything we need is on it’s way to us already.

But, sometimes a scarcity mindset can take over and blindside me. It took some time, but now I know the signs to look for. Here are mine. Wanna know my biggest signs of a scarcity mindset?

7 signs of a Scarcity Mindset

Scarcity Mindset Sign #1: I budget and look for ways to cut back in our life

While budgeting is a super helpful tool for household management, I notice myself shrinking back from financial hurdles as I cut out things we enjoy to make room for bills. I’m letting the problem be bigger than me.

Scarcity Mindset Sign #2: I overspend

Ironically enough, after I spend time cutting back, it’s almost uncanny what happens next: I overspend. I get overwhelmed by the thoughts of a joyless, bill-filled budget and...give up. All of a sudden my well planned, on-budget grocery list goes out the window and I’m buying treats and indulgences instead, mourning the loss of all things fun and lovely in life. Yeah...I can be a little dramatic at times.

Scarcity Mindset Sign #3: I try to fix past wrongs

As soon as I notice I’m spending my time trying to fix past wrongs, I know I’m living in scarcity. I can’t let the past rest and I need to figure out what I wish I would have said, plan for how to prove myself right, or even just dream up alternative endings to a situation that’s done. What’s the problem? I can’t actually go back and change anything, so I’m believing the situation I want to fix wasn’t enough. Instead of learning from it, I’m trying to change it.

Scarcity Mindset Sign #4: I complain easily (rant, vent, whatever you wanna call it)

This one is pretty self explanatory, but when I’m in a scarcity-driven state, I don’t just make a complaint, I complain about everything! From believing every driver on the road is dumb, to the number of emails i get or don’t get, to not having anything to eat or wear or do or, the only thing I can see is unhappiness. Literally everything becomes fair game for complaining. The only abundance in my life at that point is my negative point of view.

Scarcity Mindset Sign #5: Everything rubs me the wrong way

I notice that when I don’t feel like I am enough or that I have enough, everyone irritates me. No one can do anything right. Every request is a major inconvenience, and I’m constantly the victim to other’s choices. Basically, if this is you, know that the people choosing to stick by you are probably wishing it were easier to do so right now.

Scarcity Mindset Sign #6: I ask the wrong questions

I ask myself questions like  “how many bookings do I still need?” “should I cut back my paycheck if we don’t book enough?” “why aren’t people booking me?” and “where is our money going?” You can probably guess what I’m going to say about these questions: They’re the WRONG questions to ask yourself!

Scarcity Mindset Sign #7: I answer emails or scroll on social media first thing in the morning

If I’m clearing my inbox, strategically commenting on other’s social posts, what’s the problem? Aren’t those smart things to do? No. Not first thing in the morning. I’m starting the day believing that my time belongs to someone else. I’m living under the tyranny of the urgent and I’m ultimately spending my entire day spinning wheels instead of moving my business forward. A few minutes answer emails or scrolling completely shifts my mindset.

Where’s my scarcity mindset coming from?

A place of not-enoughness. And how can I tell? Often, I hold this scarcity in my body in the form of physical symptoms I don’t pay attention to. If I stop, take deep breaths, and repeat my favorite phrase “I am enough. I have enough” over and over, I notice my jaw relaxed (I didn’t even know I was clenching it!), my heartrate slows noticeably (what? My heart was thumping in my chest and I honestly had no clue?) my headache begins to ease and muscles begin to relax in my back and hips (yeah, I carry tension in my hips. That’s not a thing I ever realized I’d put out there!)

So, if you’re like me and find yourself living in scarcity in one of these common ways, you can recognize that “I’m enough and I have enough.” But how do you then begin welcoming an abundance driven mindset back into your life? Tune in for my next post, where I break down my top ways to kick out scarcity and welcome and abundance mindset to thrive in my life.

Want to learn how to completely change your mindset?

Join the Create Your Breakthrough Year workshop and learn how to effect change at every level so you can gain momentum, create clarity, and nurture growth in your life and business.

Because if you don’t already have those things, you’re probably living in scarcity and holding off the very growth you want in your business.

Purchase the Create Your Breakthrough Year Online Workshop Here:

How to recognize fear in your life

If there’s one thing that holds photographers and creative entrepreneurs back from stepping into the dream they have for their business, it’s fear. From worry all the way to anxiety, Fear has a pretty big spectrum…but a pretty similar end result-inaction. Safety. And dreams remaining dreams. Isn’t that kinda sad to think about?

So, dreamer. Are you reader to become a doer? The first step is to learn to spot fear in your life. Here are 6 of the most common manifestations of fear-do any stand out to you?

How to recognize fear in YOUR life and business

I’m listing the 6 most common forms of fear below. Oddly enough-they come in pairs-either because one escalates into another (i.e.-worry/anxiety; avoidance/self-sabotage) OR because they are complimentary fears (safety mechanisms/defense mechanisms)

Worry

Fear of the unknown takes a toll on your physical body. Letting your mind run wild in the realm of the unknown is not what your beautiful brain was meant for! And it’s gonna show in your physical body.

From tooth grinding and headaches, to ulcers and acid reflux, your body wasn’t meant to live in a chronic state of worry. While you can technically live with these symptoms IF they stay at this level…chances are they will progress into:

Anxiety

Worry manifesting itself in our physical bodies with symptoms that delve into panic reactions. When you struggle with anxiety, your body is literally pumping the breaks to keep you out of the situations that cause you this anxiety.

Our bodies move into the fight or flight stage in anxiety and amp up physical symptoms to breathing issues, muscle tightening, erratic behavior, and more. These are symptoms you can no longer live with. Something needs to change immediately when you’re experiencing anxiety symptoms.

Sound’s fun, right? Let’s talk about a different side of fear:

---

Avoidance

Quite simply, avoidance is that person who, when they hear anything that stresses them out, plugs their ears and sings “lalalalalalala!” until it stops. You know you’ve seen a grown adult do this! This is fear. Avoiding stressors comes from a belief that what you fear must be avoided. Bad things happen when you feel fear, so avoid it, sometimes at all costs.

This person is likely the one changing the subject abruptly at the dinner table, likes to please people and can’t afford to have someone upset with them.

Self-sabotage/self-destructive behaviors

Paired with avoidance is self-sabotage and self-destructive behaviors. It’s a “walk the plank” mentality when you realize you have to face something stressful or fearful. Since you believe you can’t handle the stress, when you realize you have no choice but to face it, you take the approach that you’re about to go down in flames. You often find yourself doing the very things you know you shouldn’t, wondering “whyyyyyyy am I doing/saying this??”

Have you seen a small child walk over to a hot stove, touch it and cry? My immediate thought is “oof, that’s a tough way to learn a lesson!” But how do you feel if the child, still crying, goes and touches the stove again? I’m thinking in my head “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, YOU KNOW IT’S GOING TO HURT YOU!” That’s how self-sabotage looks from the outside in.

From messing up a business deal, triggering an argument when you were happy with your spouse, coworker, or business partner, to forgetting equipment for a job, etc. the “I’ll probably just mess it up” mindset is basically predicting that you WILL.

---

Coping mechanisms

Just like a child sucking his thumb or reach for his favorite stuffed animal to help him fall asleep, we as adults can develop soothing behaviors to help us feel safe again when we’re scared. They’re not entirely bad-in fact, knowing how to take care of yourself when you are feeling scared is a key piece of self care.

Sometimes we get pushed headlong into the scary stuff before we’ve had space to see how we handle it and we grasp and something that soothes a base human need. The danger that often follows coping mechanisms is that when we learn to cope with something stressful or scary, we start to retreat. We lower our tolerance for stress or scary stuff and reach for a coping mechanism faster with each stress trigger.

It’s pretty common to find that coping leads to addictive or highly patterned behaviors. Some common ones include spending money, disordered eating (this is a big one for us women), and sexual issues, to addictive substances or workaholic tendencies.These behaviors make you feel safe when you otherwise felt vulnerable or scared.

Defense mechanisms

While coping mechanisms are the flight side of dealing with fear, defense mechanisms are the fight side. You know you’re can’t run from it. So you prepare for battle.

Defense mechanisms are ways in which you defend or protect yourself from difficult situations-these situations can be as simple as unwanted situations all the way to trauma triggers.

If you’re living in a place of defense mechanisms, you’re probably thinking through worst case scenarios, practicing responses, protecting your work, or even picking a fight so you can lay someone open with harsh words or criticism.

Of all the behaviors, defensive, protective behavior is by far the most painful to others. Like a wounded animal, a defensive person will snap and bite at you if you get too close to their pain. This person needs some pretty significant help and needs you to be extra careful around them lest you get hurt in the process.

---

*I want to be sensitive to the fact that fear often has a reason for living in you. And sometimes that reason is rooted in real, painful life circumstances. If that’s you, I just want to take a moment to honor you and let you know that you didn’t deserve the trauma you experienced. You are so worthy of healing and you are so worthy of having support. You are beautiful and brave.*

What does fear sound like?

Fear often starts with two little words- “what if?” Those words mean you’re living in a potential reality. And quite frankly, if you don’t learn to let go of these thoughts, it will become your actual reality. Why? Like attracts like. In this case? Worry attracts in more things to worry about.

“what if this fails?” (remember that fixed mindset stuff from some of my early blog posts?”

“what if I can’t?”

“I know what’s going to happen if…”

“I need to protect my self…”

“just in case (X) happens, I’m going to…”

“I’ll probably just mess it up.”

“What if they think…?”

“I’m not cut out for this”

“I can’t”

Conclusion

We all experience fear. And we all deal with it the best we know how-after all, we’re all just doing the best we can.

We may deal with fear in the form of worry or even anxiety, or we might avoid fear, trying to stay in our happy place until we’re forced to face our fears and then we self-sabotage, bringing our fears to life. Maybe you’re not in either of those categories, but instead, you deal with fear through coping mechanisms. You can’t avoid fear, but this helps you remove yourself from it.

Perhaps you’re one of the people who often feels defensive and a little compative when in a scary situation, leaning on defense mechanisms to get you through. If that’s you, you’re not alone. You’re not terrible. And you’re not stuck.

Coming soon, I’ll share some psychology and NLP based ways to deal with fear in a healthy way.

We’re all just doing the best we can!

What did you learn about fear? Did something specific resonate with you? Leave a comment and share. This small, brave move may help you let go of fears in your life!

3 steps you can take now to adopt a growth mindset | Madison, WI Business coach for photographers

If you’ve followed and/or identified with my story about recognizing my fixed mindset, (my childhood story and my business story, 6 signs you have a fixed mindset) you’re likely wondering “what can I do about it?” Thankfully, with dedication, these 3 simple tools will help you start catching your fixed mindset and choosing a growth mindset! Do you already do any of these? Which has been most helpful? Comment below and share!

3 simple steps you can take to adopt a growth mindset

1. Journal toward a growth mindset

Journaling itself can be deeply therapeutic, but specific techniques in journaling can help reveal and release long held blocks and old mindset patterns. Here are a few techniques that helped me:

Morning pages

I would get up in the morning and journal freestyle for 10 minutes. For me, this looked like a lot of prayers. It allowed me to unload the negative thoughts I woke up with, worries, fears, and general overwhelm off my brain and give it someplace else to live. You can get Morning Pages journals like this one, but I personally just got up and wrote in my "ugly purple notebook." That notebook is filled with heartbreak, hope, prayers, ideas, growth, and change. It's ugly, but I love it to death!

Story Brand Productivity sheets

I’d follow up my morning pages time with a productivity sheet, helping me assess procrastination, and separate the important tasks (things that moved my bottom line forward) from the frenetic pace of the everyday to-do list. For those feeling like they're constantly spinning wheels and not actually moving their business forward, try this tool-it's amazing!

Cognitive behavioral therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy is a deeply powerful (and simple!) way to begin retraining your brain on how to think surrounding problems themselves. People with fixed mindsets often view problems as insurmountable. Any form of a next step is unlikely because just the fact that they faced opposition was a sign of failure, so the only response to a problem is to freeze. CBT suggests that you should record the problem, along with 3 truths surrounding the problem to reframe how you think about it.

Brainstorming

 I never knew how to brainstorm. This reinforced the idea that I could think of solutions to my problems and I could solve them for myself. Since problems or opposition was a sign that I was a failure, I would meet a problem and just freeze. Learning to brainstorm was the most powerful tool I developed! All of a sudden, I was making progress and these massive mountains became small mounds to simply step over.

2. Speak out loud to shift how you think

There’s a profound connection between what you talk about and what your brain subconsciously wants. The more you talk about something out loud, the more likely it is to happen.

I found that, once I listened to myself, I was extremely harsh on myself. I’d regularly walk around my home saying things like “Stephanie, you stupid idiot. Who does that?” It’s so sad to think that those are actual words that I regularly spoke to myself-things that are too unkind to even say to others. But I believed it.

I began catching myself saying those harsh things and correcting myself out loud, like this: “No, I’m an intelligent woman, created lovingly by God. I am doing too many things at once and lost focus, because I’m human. It’s okay.” It was like giving myself a little side hug and giving myself permission to be imperfect and regroup. I had no clue I was so hard on myself until I listened to myself and began changing that.

If you're not someone who talks out loud to yourself like me (haha!), it's still deeply powerful to speak truth about yourself, God, your goals, and your abilities. 

3. Seek professional help

I saved the scariest for last. Asking for help is so tough-it feels like a failure or defeat! I felt like if I told people I was seeing a counselor or working with a business coach, they'd judge me as crazy or incapable, like I was admitting to everyone I was a mess. Aren't we all? Why did I think admitting that should be a problem? But, when I swallowed my pride and reached out to people, asking for help, I found that my biggest growth happened during that season. I needed that extra support and felt proud that I asked for it! (as should you, if you do!)

 Please know that if you are working to change your mindset, it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask someone to walk that journey with you and it’s okay to be vulnerable with someone you trust. You don't need to share that with anyone-just take the next right step.  

I sought help after my last miscarriage and after realizing that my business was in an 8 month lull of no bookings. I was broken hearted and burned out. So I sought help. For me, that looked like seeing a counselor in my church to help me mend my heart along with working with a business coach who specialized in mindset and removing blocks. I worked on my heart, my mind, and my business and it moved me forward with support, and love. I couldn’t have made such massive shifts in my life without these two precious women. 

Want to learn more about fixed and growth mindsets?
my fixed mindset story

6 characteristics of a fixed mindset

Should we work together on your mindset?

If you’d like support as you work to shift your mindset, let’s talk! I’m a business coach who’s been there and I have resources and support ready for you.

Here’s how you can work with me on releasing your fixed mindset and embracing a growth mindset as you build your business:

Join the Breakthrough Mastermind

Stephanie’s Private Coaching

The 6 Characteristics of a Fixed Mindset

I got called a perfectionist every so often while growing up. I thought it was a badge of honor, to own, but inside I knew it didn't truly describe me.

Perfectionists have an internal drive to be great at everything. They put pressure on themselves even if no one saw their work and they made sure their work was it’s best from start to finish.

I on the other hand only cared about what people saw. I hid an impressive stack of incompletes, rarely got a “clean desk award,” and often got in trouble for my messy bedroom.

I only did my best work at the beginning and then, when it felt like no one would see it, I’d stop trying. While I was called a perfectionist, I was more frequently called “lazy.” I felt like I was both a perfectionist AND lazy, but couldn’t figure out why.  

Now I know that I was neither lazy nor a perfectionist. What I actually had was a fixed mindset.

I’ve already received an influx of messages and comments from people identifying with my story and wondering what to do about their fixed mindset, so let’s break down the pieces: how do you actually spot a fixed mindset?  Here are some of the key traits-all of which describe who I was perfectly. Is this you?

Are you a perfectionist? Or just struggle with a fixed mindset like me? Comment below if this resonates with you—I’d love to hear your experience!

1. A fixed mindset believes their talent and traits are fixed assets

The real rub comes when these fixed assets are challenged. When you believe you’re permanently “good” at something and then you experience failure, it’s personally devastating. For instance, that time I sang in public and my voice cracked? I had a personal meltdown. I had a crisis because if I thought I was good at music and still failed, was I really just a self-deluded washup? Often people with fixed mindsets experience mid-life crises and other feelings of worthlessness and self doubt after failure.

2. A fixed mindset is risk averse

This person avoids challenges, especially if there’s no guarantee they’ll be successful. My literal worst nightmare was team sports. How could anyone want to play team sports? Even if you’re “good at sports,” you may still lose. Losing is failure. Failure only happens when you’re bad at something.

3. A fixed mindset believes effort is for those not smart enough

You'll likely never catch someone with a fixed mindset studying for tests, prepping for lessons, presentations, or other public performances. Though they appear careless as they brush off studying, etc. the fixed mindset person carries around continual anxiety and inadequacy. Going into a test, knowing you didn’t study is your ultimate personal challenge. But the stakes are high and you can’t be sure you won’t fail. And failure can look like anything less than an A, perfect review, or glowing feedback from your new idea.

4. A fixed mindset covers their flaws and is defensive if they’re pointed out

Flaws may be human, but to the person with a fixed mindset, they are fatal and must be hidden at all times. Often, pointing out flaws in any way to a person with a fixed mindset will result in a diversionary tactic, an over reaction, or even a vicious response, depending on the threat level.

5. A fixed mindset views feedback as a personal attack

This person will sweat more over their reviews than the actual reason they’re being reviewed. In my case, I would be sick to my stomach knowing I had a teacher review of my teaching demonstration, even though I hadn’t been terribly nervous to teach.

I also held a job requiring that I garner feedback every other year from the people I managed. Each year, I  would start knowing “this is review year.” It would loom over my entire year, causing me anxiety, and shading everything I did. I would have been scheduled to administer and review these 100 feedback forms twice while in this position and my superiors forgot each time. Each time it was forgotten, I’d be so relieved that I’d celebrate. For a while afterward, I counted it one of my biggest accomplishments in that job that I got through 3 years without the bi-annual feedback forms.

6. A fixed mindset is threatened by the success of others

Since your traits and talents are fixed, you tend to believe that your success is also fixed. If someone else finds themselves experiencing exponential growth, success of any kind, or just happiness apart from their success, you feel both threatened and completely confused. What is their magic sauce and why don't YOU have it?? 

Isn't this a tiring way to live? If this is you, you feel like your life is a constant game of showcasing strengths and desperately covering weaknesses. You may not have all of these traits, but the ones you do seem debilitating, manifesting themselves in the form of anxiety, headaches, stomach issues, jaw problems, social issues, etc. 

It’s hard to be a business owner with a shoulder full of constant doubt and anxiety. In fact, it’s common for people with a fixed mindset to burn out in business ownership after they experience their first difficult form of opposition. So, if you’re a small business owner and need help shifting your mindset, know this: it’s possible! As Marie Forleo often says “everything is figure-outable.”

If you’d like personal help shifting your mindset, I'll be sharing some of my favorite tools for change next. But one of the single most powerful agents of change is having someone walk that journey with you. If you'd like help breaking your fixed mindset, let’s chat! I’d love to walk with you on a journey diving into your mindset, finding and shifting core beliefs about yourself and your business. It has been life changing for me and I know it will be for you too.

Want to learn more about a fixed mindset? Read my story here

Do you need support letting go of your fixed mindset so your business can grow? Here are the most popular ways you can work with me:

Magnetic Minds

Blindspot Breakthrough

The Ripple Effect Mastermind