Someone who’s living at the effect of their lives is the person fully believing that their thoughts, feelings, and actions are contingent at some level on something outside themselves-someone else’s actions, circumstances they can’t control, and more. This is the person who feels like their energy is constantly being tapped into and taken away from them.
Are you setting toxic goals? The 2 Mindsets driving toxic goals and how to fix them
Welcome to a new year! It’s goal setting time and the energy is high. But I’m already seeing the cracks in people’s goal-setting approach and it’s time we talk about it.
I hear so many people at the start of the year trying to shape themselves into perfection. I hear things like:
“I’m finally going to get healthy.”
“I’m actually going to workout.”
“I’m going to prep my meals and actually use what’s in my fridge.”
“I”m going to learn to be content with what I have and stop buying things.”
But, behind those great goals is a conflict and I always feel so uncomfortable listening to people share their goals when I can see this conflict waging war.
What’s the conflict?
Who I am vs. who I wish I were
We betray ourselves daily then get mad at ourselves for that betrayal. We’ve become machines of distrust and unkindness...we’ve trained ourselves to be this way. But here we are, looking for that breath of fresh air, the hope of a new start.
We don’t need a new start.
We need a new mindset.
We need to stop judging ourselves and rejecting ourselves. We need to let go of alllll that deep-seated anger we hold against ourselves. We need to stop holding the good things we want hostage until we “measure up” or “do better.”
So let’s talk about what drives that kind of toxic-goal setting:
The two mindsets driving toxic goals
Toxic goal mindset 1 | Victim mindset
Everything we want to have in life can be traced back to how we think around circumstances, or events in life that are outside our control.
When we believe that circumstance is something that we are helpless toward, we start THINKING like a victim.
And we know that when we THINK like a victim, we FEEL like a victim.
When we FEEL like a victim, we ACT like a victim.
And when we ACT like a victim, we get RESULTS that prove to us that we are indeed...a victim.
This often sounds like goals driven by the things you can’t fix-”this will be the year that I finally lose the 20 pounds. My work schedule is really weird, so I can’t eat at normal times and gained weight because of it.”
And I hear it all the time-it’s one of the biggest driving forces in how we create goals…and how we explain not achieving them.
Toxic goal mindset 2 | Ego-mind
The second and MOST powerful mindset driving our goals is the ego-mind. The ego mind is simply our brain’s safety mechanism. It’s job is to protect us from risks. But it does so in subtle, tricky ways.
It is the “mean girl” voice inside our heads, worried about appearances and reputation. It’s obsessed with fitting in and being accepted. It makes arbitrary rules in an effort to control you (keep you safe). And if you REALLY don’t listen to it, it usually gets mean, telling you you’re not good enough, you “should be” doing (X,Y, or Z), etc.
The ego is like a big, slobbery, Jaba the Hut in our minds. Revolting to see, but reveling in its ability to get what it wants by being mean to you or creating arbitrary rules you can never live by.
Instead of creating victim based, ego-driven goals, I want to offer you the opportunity to choose an upgraded mindset.
The 2 mindsets behind abundant goals
The two mindsets that create actual lasting change are:
Abundant goal mindset 1 | Self-Love & compassion
Self love and compassion looks like accepting yourself for who you are without judgment. (did you feel your body just pause, then relax? That’s a sign of acceptance!) It’s making goals with no intention of CHANGING yourself, but instead, accepting and improving yourself. We’re made to desire excellence. We’re made to yearn for more. But when we try to change ourselves by using goals? We’re just living in self-hatred and ego-mind instead of love and acceptance.
Self-love is also compassion for your wounds-the anger you’ve held against yourself, the impossible standards you’ve held yourself to and ideals that you don’t even value. It’s not just accepting that you’ve lived that way, it’s also feeling compassion that those actions reflect that you’re operating from a wounded state.
Abundant goal mindset 2 | Radical personal responsibility
This is the idea of detaching your identity from your circumstances-stop making everything MEAN something about you and your potential! Let it exist and take responsibility for how you think about it. That’s the only thing that is ours to foster and grow-our thoughts about our circumstances.
Taking radical personal responsibility is a commitment not to changing yourself, but to showing UP for yourself. It’s a commitment to pursuing excellence through your daily actions.
Radical personal responsibility involves first accepting WHY you want what you want. Then realizing you’re the best one (and only one) to give that to yourself.
It’s understanding that if you want that ideal version of you, you have to get up out of your seat and go do it yourself. It’s scary to realize that no one is coming to save you-but it’s even better to realize that you never needed saving in the first place.
It’s in taking responsibility for what HASN’T worked for you and why it hasn’t and then creating solutions that are better suited to where you’re at now.
If you’re wanting to start taking radical personal responsibility, you must stop playing the blame game. Whether it’s algorithms, ghosting, or why you ate what you ate, blaming it on something you can’t control is leaving you powerless.
The first step to radical personal responsibility ISN’T a big pep talk, hyping yourself up to follow through on your goals. Instead, it’s observing your thoughts without judgment. Just like you’d observe a lion at the zoo. Seeing the thoughts come into your head and observing how they make you feel.
That’s the first step.
Want more steps for radical personal responsibility?
Here’s the difference between toxic and abundant goals:
Now that we’ve done a deep dive on the mindsets driving our toxic or abundant goals, what do toxic and abundant goals look and feel like in action? We want to be able to spot them in the wild, so here’s a breakdown for you to start filtering your own goals when they pop into your head in the target self-check when you think “oh my word, I need to lost 20 lbs. And here I am buying Spicy Cheddar cheese puffs again. Oh well…at least they’re the gluten free kind…But seriously on that 20 lbs. I’m for real this time.” (toxic thinking, if you didn’t pick up on that already!)
The guaranteed way to uplevel your business in 2020 | Mindset coaching for female entrepreneurs
A breakthrough is not just a cool moment. It's the missing piece in your business. It's what helps you drive your business and life into new levels of impact, profit, and integrity. ⠀
These breakthrough moments are exactly what helps you quickly shed limiting beliefs, rules and expectations that were running your business. Often, the biggest thing I see holding back entrepreneurs from their biggest levels of success is that they KNOW what to do or try…they just don’t DO it. It’s time to end that and here’s how:
"I don't have time to be thankful!" | What to do when you feel too busy for gratitude
This time of year can be pretty tricky. It’s a time when our personal life naturally expands and needs more attention, so it would be convenient if our business life contracted a bit to make room for your personal life-holidays, parties, family gatherings, events. You name it.
Sometimes that doesn’t happen though.
And then we get super-stressed out, which really stinks.
And all of this happens right before a holiday when we’re supposed to focus on thankfulness, right?
I personally have felt like “being thankful” was just another thing to add to my to-do list.
But…that doesn’t feel good. I mean…why even worry about being thankful anyway? I’ve been mulling this thought over in my mind.
Here’s what gratitude isn’t
I hear the Sunday school answers of “there are starving children in Africa. You should be thankful for a roof over your head and the food on your plate!”
And I also hear the inner sassy kid response of “ send them my food then cuz I don’t want it.”
In the past, gratitude hasn’t actually been gratitude. It’s been a to-do item, a sign I’m not who I “should” be because I’m not grateful, and ultimately something I resisted.
But over the past few years, I’ve seen how gratitude is a state of BEING not a state of DOING. Its something I feel, observe, and receive.
So, instead of approaching the holiday as most do, rushing around like crazy, stressed and overwhelmed, then smoothing my hair down, and sitting at the thanksgiving table saying “Today I’m thankful for…” with a forced smile
I’m doing something different. It’s time to flip the thanksgiving script and I’m showing you how.
I regularly run science lab style experiments on my mindset. I know-I get super nerdy about mindset! but I’m running an experiment AND sharing it for you to join in or just observe
Next week I’ll be running The Gratitude Experiment on instagram and I want you there.
What’s the Gratitude Experiment?
A 5 day experiment testing the hypothesis “gratitude makes my life better.”
(but does it really?) Each day, I’ll share a post, go live at 11 am CST (except on Thanksgiving), and host a group chat for you to share your experiment results.
Here's the thing...
I know it’s a holiday week
And you might think I’m crazy for doing this during a holiday.
But...I think there couldn’t be a better time to run this experiment.
I have a hypothesis that I’m going to see gratitude all around me on Black Friday where I used to only see unkindness and scarcity minded people frantically shopping.
And really, what’s the worst that could happen?
You don’t prove your hypothesis?
That’s no big deal, right?
But...chances are, you’ll experience more gratitude and love, see it all around you, and have more reasons to say “thank you” because you’re receiving kind gestures from random strangers.
Join me and see if you agree.
P.S.-looking for a coach to help you start 2020 strong? I'm accepting new 1:1 clients for January. Fill out acoaching application hereto see if you qualify for my 1:1 coaching
Algorithm got you down? Here's what to do to fix it | Top business complaints series
“The algorithm changed and my engagement is way down”
I hear this one the most-both on calls with people and circulating in facebook groups nonstop. I was even in a instagram pod (remember those?) of some of the most successful photographers in the industry. Even though they had such obvious success, they were still freaked about algorithms, shadow bans, and engagement. Does this one strike fear in your heart too?
My 3 step framework for organic business growth
These 3 limiting beliefs are holding up your organic business growth.
These words are hurting you: “take off,” “explode” “grow fast.” They’re putting pressure on you to do, be, or have something that you don’t. I have realized that there are some common misconceptions about this idea of “organic” growth that I’d love to put to rest. Because honestly, these beliefs will prevent you from growing your business.
How to recognize fear in your life
If there’s one thing that holds photographers and creative entrepreneurs back from stepping into the dream they have for their business, it’s fear. From worry all the way to anxiety, Fear has a pretty big spectrum…but a pretty similar end result-inaction. Safety. And dreams remaining dreams. Isn’t that kinda sad to think about?
So, dreamer. Are you reader to become a doer? The first step is to learn to spot fear in your life. Here are 6 of the most common manifestations of fear-do any stand out to you?
How to recognize fear in YOUR life and business
I’m listing the 6 most common forms of fear below. Oddly enough-they come in pairs-either because one escalates into another (i.e.-worry/anxiety; avoidance/self-sabotage) OR because they are complimentary fears (safety mechanisms/defense mechanisms)
Worry
Fear of the unknown takes a toll on your physical body. Letting your mind run wild in the realm of the unknown is not what your beautiful brain was meant for! And it’s gonna show in your physical body.
From tooth grinding and headaches, to ulcers and acid reflux, your body wasn’t meant to live in a chronic state of worry. While you can technically live with these symptoms IF they stay at this level…chances are they will progress into:
Anxiety
Worry manifesting itself in our physical bodies with symptoms that delve into panic reactions. When you struggle with anxiety, your body is literally pumping the breaks to keep you out of the situations that cause you this anxiety.
Our bodies move into the fight or flight stage in anxiety and amp up physical symptoms to breathing issues, muscle tightening, erratic behavior, and more. These are symptoms you can no longer live with. Something needs to change immediately when you’re experiencing anxiety symptoms.
Sound’s fun, right? Let’s talk about a different side of fear:
Avoidance
Quite simply, avoidance is that person who, when they hear anything that stresses them out, plugs their ears and sings “lalalalalalala!” until it stops. You know you’ve seen a grown adult do this! This is fear. Avoiding stressors comes from a belief that what you fear must be avoided. Bad things happen when you feel fear, so avoid it, sometimes at all costs.
This person is likely the one changing the subject abruptly at the dinner table, likes to please people and can’t afford to have someone upset with them.
Self-sabotage/self-destructive behaviors
Paired with avoidance is self-sabotage and self-destructive behaviors. It’s a “walk the plank” mentality when you realize you have to face something stressful or fearful. Since you believe you can’t handle the stress, when you realize you have no choice but to face it, you take the approach that you’re about to go down in flames. You often find yourself doing the very things you know you shouldn’t, wondering “whyyyyyyy am I doing/saying this??”
Have you seen a small child walk over to a hot stove, touch it and cry? My immediate thought is “oof, that’s a tough way to learn a lesson!” But how do you feel if the child, still crying, goes and touches the stove again? I’m thinking in my head “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, YOU KNOW IT’S GOING TO HURT YOU!” That’s how self-sabotage looks from the outside in.
From messing up a business deal, triggering an argument when you were happy with your spouse, coworker, or business partner, to forgetting equipment for a job, etc. the “I’ll probably just mess it up” mindset is basically predicting that you WILL.
Coping mechanisms
Just like a child sucking his thumb or reach for his favorite stuffed animal to help him fall asleep, we as adults can develop soothing behaviors to help us feel safe again when we’re scared. They’re not entirely bad-in fact, knowing how to take care of yourself when you are feeling scared is a key piece of self care.
Sometimes we get pushed headlong into the scary stuff before we’ve had space to see how we handle it and we grasp and something that soothes a base human need. The danger that often follows coping mechanisms is that when we learn to cope with something stressful or scary, we start to retreat. We lower our tolerance for stress or scary stuff and reach for a coping mechanism faster with each stress trigger.
It’s pretty common to find that coping leads to addictive or highly patterned behaviors. Some common ones include spending money, disordered eating (this is a big one for us women), and sexual issues, to addictive substances or workaholic tendencies.These behaviors make you feel safe when you otherwise felt vulnerable or scared.
Defense mechanisms
While coping mechanisms are the flight side of dealing with fear, defense mechanisms are the fight side. You know you’re can’t run from it. So you prepare for battle.
Defense mechanisms are ways in which you defend or protect yourself from difficult situations-these situations can be as simple as unwanted situations all the way to trauma triggers.
If you’re living in a place of defense mechanisms, you’re probably thinking through worst case scenarios, practicing responses, protecting your work, or even picking a fight so you can lay someone open with harsh words or criticism.
Of all the behaviors, defensive, protective behavior is by far the most painful to others. Like a wounded animal, a defensive person will snap and bite at you if you get too close to their pain. This person needs some pretty significant help and needs you to be extra careful around them lest you get hurt in the process.
*I want to be sensitive to the fact that fear often has a reason for living in you. And sometimes that reason is rooted in real, painful life circumstances. If that’s you, I just want to take a moment to honor you and let you know that you didn’t deserve the trauma you experienced. You are so worthy of healing and you are so worthy of having support. You are beautiful and brave.*
What does fear sound like?
Fear often starts with two little words- “what if?” Those words mean you’re living in a potential reality. And quite frankly, if you don’t learn to let go of these thoughts, it will become your actual reality. Why? Like attracts like. In this case? Worry attracts in more things to worry about.
“what if this fails?” (remember that fixed mindset stuff from some of my early blog posts?”
“what if I can’t?”
“I know what’s going to happen if…”
“I need to protect my self…”
“just in case (X) happens, I’m going to…”
“I’ll probably just mess it up.”
“What if they think…?”
“I’m not cut out for this”
“I can’t”
Conclusion
We all experience fear. And we all deal with it the best we know how-after all, we’re all just doing the best we can.
We may deal with fear in the form of worry or even anxiety, or we might avoid fear, trying to stay in our happy place until we’re forced to face our fears and then we self-sabotage, bringing our fears to life. Maybe you’re not in either of those categories, but instead, you deal with fear through coping mechanisms. You can’t avoid fear, but this helps you remove yourself from it.
Perhaps you’re one of the people who often feels defensive and a little compative when in a scary situation, leaning on defense mechanisms to get you through. If that’s you, you’re not alone. You’re not terrible. And you’re not stuck.
Coming soon, I’ll share some psychology and NLP based ways to deal with fear in a healthy way.
We’re all just doing the best we can!
What did you learn about fear? Did something specific resonate with you? Leave a comment and share. This small, brave move may help you let go of fears in your life!
Your past is a shadow, not your prison | intuitive life lessons
This morning, I sat in my living room, playing with my 7 month old son, and feeling so happy. The sun was streaming into our room, he was happy, I had gotten a full night of sleep, and nostalgia as I remembered that today was pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.
Memories of my past as shadows
Two years ago, I was between miscarriages. I was about to get pregnant for the second time this time two years ago. I remember how shattered my world felt for a season. And as I sat playing with my perfect baby in the most beautiful home, surrounded by sunlight, I was filled with gratitude. I felt a twinge of sadness, but it was different this time. I didn’t own my sadness. I felt it come into my heart, like a stranger, then leave, like a whisp of steam.
At first I felt concerned-does this mean I’m pushing away those feelings? Or, maybe, just maybe, this is a sign that I’m healing.
As I thought about the fleeting visit from grief, I saw a beautiful shadow on my wall. The beautiful sunlight streaming had hit a vase of branches in my living room, creating a beautiful play of shadows dancing on my wall. The shadows danced for such a quick minute-I ran to get my camera and they had already changed!
And then it hit me. The reason that I loved the sunlight streaming into my living room was because of the beautiful shadows it created. You see, there’s beauty in the shadows, the difficult times in our lives. They are gone so quickly, but while they’re there, they help us see the light so much more.
Your past as a prison
The shadows don’t actually exist. They’re just a mirage-when we treat them as our current reality, we are choosing to live as a shadow. And our shadows become our prisons. Trade in the prison of your past for light.
Dear one reading this today, step back from the shadows of your life and take a look at them. Why are they there? They’re there to remind you that you’re alive. That YOU are standing in the sunlight.
So, turn and face the light.
You’ve been staring at the shadows for so long that you have forgotten what the sun on your face feels like. Turn your back on the shadows, not the light. For the shadows will come and go. But the light stays.
It’s time to turn and face the sun and let the shadows fall behind you.
When the memories of past hurts or dark seasons of grief come back to your life, don’t shove them away or greet them with fear. Welcome the grief like a long lost friend coming for dinner. She’s not staying. But she’s there for a reason. Sit with her for a minute, understand her, and ask her what she wants you to know.
Could it simply be that your past wants you to remember that it’s a shadow, not a prison?
Thank you to Bekah of Sankalpa Life Yoga and Wellness for the life-giving conversation that inspired this post. (If you aren’t following Bekah on instagram, do it now. You’ll feel her beauty and strength in each post.)
Don't give up on your daydream| a letter to the dreamers
Dear Dreamer,
I'm sitting at my desk, with a million dreams in my head, a heart on fire to help creative business owners build a business they love, and a fussy, clingy infant strapped to my chest. I'm typing, recording, journaling, and building while taking breaks to feed, burp, and sooth my crying babe.
I've gotta be honest-motherhood is the most difficult journey I've been on! I've found my purpose and work I absolutely love. I found my baby after a long journey to each other. And now, I feel divided. I want to do so many things in my business. I have so many dreams for my family too. And figuring out how to divide my time is not easy.
Do you ever feel like that? Like you're taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back and you split your time between your daydream and your Maybe your creative business is a side hustle and your time is limited. Maybe you're also a mamapreneur and doing the naptime hustle.
Whatever your situation, if you feel like you're taking 2 steps forward and one step back...don't give up on your daydream! You're still moving forward and that's what counts. Keep taking the 2 steps forward. Keep running toward your dream. Because you have a sacred call on your life and a purpose to live out. That purpose will be found in both your business and your personal life. The resistance might feel overwhelming at first, but keep going. It will ease up.
So today, I'm taking my 2 steps forward. I know just how I want my schedule to look, how I want to serve my family, clients, and audience and what it will take to get there. And in 5 years, I won't be whining about the 1 step back, I'll be celebrating the forward motion, the grit, and the alignment that brought me into my dreams.
What does your life look like in 5 years? And what will it take you to get there? Keep stepping, sweet friend. You were meant for this.
Love,
A fellow day-dreamer on a mission
