I’ve grown a lot over the past few years. Growth is weird and wonderful. It’s weird because it feels awkward and adolescent as you learn how to feel into the new you. And it’s wonderful because it’s exciting to let go of old beliefs and roadblocks and welcome in new levels of abundance and purpose.
By far, the biggest and probably most painful growth that I’ve done is around today’s topic.
Learning to be fully responsible for your life
The idea that I could and needed to be fully responsible or “at cause” for how my life was unfolding was the MOST uncomfortable lesson in my personal growth journey but yielded the most power of any lesson I learned.
Everyone has two lenses to view their lives. They either view their life experience through the lens of being at-cause for their live or they view it through the lens of constantly being at the effect of their lives.
If these terms don’t click with you, don’t worry-I’m unpacking them for you.
What it looks like to be at-cause for your life
The idea of being at-cause for your life is the premise that you’re taking FULL and complete responsibility for yourself as you move through this world and knowing that your responsibility ends with you. It’s the idea that you send out your energy instead of having it sapped from you.
You take full and total responsibility for how you think, feel, and act in relationships, how you think, feel, and act about money, your dreams, your successes, your failures, and your life. At first, this shift is painful. It starts with recognizing that the only person to blame for your life not looking the way you want it to is you. I had to sit with the reality that I was the reason I felt like my life, business, body, and bank account sucked. There was no outside reason that those things didn’t reflect what I dreamed they could. It was juuuuuuust me.
And honestly, that realization suuuuuuucks. It’s painful at first. But trust me-it' gets way better.
They’re filled with solutions, love, and results as they proactively create a life they love. I started asking myself the really deep, foundational questions that put me back at cause for my results and….magically…I started getting them again! Results come not just to those who have an abundant mindset, but to those owning their life with full and complete responsibility in a radical way.
What it looks like to be at the effect of your life
By contrast a person who’s living at the effect of their lives is the person fully believing that their thoughts, feelings, and actions are contingent at some level on something outside themselves-someone else’s actions, circumstances they can’t control, and more. This is the person who feels like their energy is constantly being tapped into and taken away from them.
They feel good if there’s money in the bank, bad if there’s not.
Good if people like them, overly sensitive, angry, or reactive if they think they don’t.
I personally would whine about the reasons I couldn’t finish a revenue generating project. I mean how could I? People were messaging me, emailing me, asking me questions, and more. I didn’t have any TIME for my revenue generating projects because…(insert at-effect reason…) I had a boundaries issues and wasn’t accepting responsibility for it.
People at the effect of their lives are excusing or explaining their lack of results because of their circumstances and ultimately that’s all they’re left with-reasons and excuses. I would call this person a victim-how about you?
What cause and effect living feel like
Characteristics of someone living at cause for their life
They get results
They try new things
They learn lessons, improve, and try again when they don’t achieve their desired outcome
They take complete ownership of THEIR choices and
They do NOT take ownership for others’ choices and emotions ,and actions of others
They are constantly improving their life and the lives of others
Clear, healthy, and loving boundaries-love doesn’t mean codependency or excusing someone's behavior or victim mentality
Often defined by action, inspiration, focus, and love
Characteristics of someone living at the effect of their life
They have reasons for all the things they have not done
They wait for opportunities
They blame others for their results or lack thereof
They believe that not achieving a desired outcome is a sign to stop trying or that it wasn’t meant for them.
They take everything personally
They’re often codependent
Deeply attached to the choices, desires, motives, and actions of others, believing that they impact their ability to proceed toward what they want in life
Decision making feels complicated-it’s like a complex domino setup and their decisions touch and effect everyone around them
Emotional caretaking-”I don’t want them to feel bad,” “I want them to be happy with me”
In business, someone living at the effect of their lives easily gets shiny-object syndrome, getting distracted by their inbox, dm’s, comments, likes
Often defined by jealousy, neediness, competitiveness, blame-shifting and quick fixes
How to start being at cause for your life
If you’ve been living this way at some level, I want to be honest with you-shifting this will be a bit more painful for just a little bit, like resetting a broken bone. But that’s the only route toward wholeness-it will subside as you take increased responsibility. I assure you.
If you’re seeing similarities between yourself and my description of someone living at the effect of their life, here are your next steps:
have a really honest journaling session
get clear on what you wanted, what got in the way of you getting that, and how you’re responsible for that.
Feeling a little stuck on how to start journaling for these deep breakthroughs? I have a program that walks you through creating breakthroughs using journaling.
get your support system in place
if this is a shift you’re serious about, your support system will be crucial. Ensure you’re interacting with people who also live at cause, can lovingly call you on your b.s. excuses and lovingly walk with you toward full responsibility.
This may also be exactly the determining factor to help you hire a coach. If you don’t have your support system in place, it’s time to hire your support system. No one is immune to their own blindspots-myself included. It’s a part of the human experience. But accepting radical, full, and complete responsibility may include ensuring that you have someone who won’t let you live junk in your blindspots while you’re changing lanes. And if that person doesn’t already exist in your life, it’s time to hire them.
You’ve got this.
So I’d love to know from you-what resonates with you about this post? Share a comment below:
