What you resist persists

A few months ago I was getting into a really great diet routine, I was working out regularly and just feeling really good. This change and effort was coming from a place aligned with my identity, (where we always create lasting change).

I was so excited, and then I got sick, and not just me, our whole family. My 12 month old son was up in the middle of the night throwing up and it was just terrible. We were all really weak, sick, and tired. The sad thing is that we didn’t only get sick the one time. We got sick the first time, got a little break just in time to have my son’s birthday party. We made the mistake of having 18 people stay with us and then we were sick all over again.

While I was in the process of getting over my stomach bug the second time, I found myself getting discouraged. I was discouraged because I was thinking about all of the things that I was excited for in my health, and my business. As I was laying in bed recovering, trying so hard not to throw up the cracker that I just ate, I thought of something interesting. What you resist persists.

How do we resist?

What I mean by that is the more we hold things at arm’s length and try to hold things off, the more those things persist in our lives. Now what we may not be thinking of is the fact that when we resist things we’re avoiding them. We are doing our best to keep them away from us. There are things in our lives that we hold at bay, whether it is some kind of outcome, social situation, money situation, or really anything.

What we do not realize is that we are using a whole lot of effort to hold that thing off. So, for example let's say that we want to hold off debt in our lives. What are we actually focusing on? We are focused on the debt itself. We do not focus on the abundance in our life right now. Right?

What I found in my season of illness and our household getting sick over and over again is that the more I thought about how sick I was and that I didn’t have time for this, the longer that sickness persisted. I kept thinking to myself how awful this season of life was that we were going through, I became frustrated because I wasn’t feeling better as quickly as I thought I should. The more I focused on that, the longer the sickness went on. I am not saying that it went on only because I was focused on that, but just keep in mind the reality that what we resist persists.

What resisting looks like

These are a few examples of things that I used to do in regards to resisting. In another business of mine I spent a year where I was focused on getting reviews for that business. I saw another business owner doing it and I felt like I needed to get really good reviews also. But I also thought I can’t get any bad reviews and I inwardly begged that nobody would leave me a bad review. I kept focusing on creating this resistance, like I was holding the door closed on someone who is trying to get in. That is what resistance feels like.

During that year I was so focused on not getting any bad reviews, which created resistance. I was trying so hard to hold off the bad reviews on our 6-7 year old business. As I look back, can you guess which year we did get one bad review? Your right! It was the year that I placed all my energy and focus on the very thing that I didn’t want.

Resistance can also feel like driving a car. You have a foot on the gas, but you also have your emergency brake on. You can still drive your car with the emergency brake on, but it is really difficult and will eventually severely damage your car.

Take a look at yourself

I want to encourage you to take a look at your life and see if there is something that you can easily identify that you are avoiding. Something that you are kind of trying to keep out by holding the door closed as it tries to push its way in. Like an annoying little brother who would be trying to get into a room and I would be fighting and holding the door closed because he was annoying me. If you have something like that in your life, it isn’t necessarily bad news for you, but you should know that it is really just going to keep coming up for you.

Putting all of that time and effort into focusing on holding the door closed means that all of your strength and energy is invested into the very thing that you do not want. This means that you are probably going to still end up getting the result that you don’t really want.

You may be asking now, how do we change that? Here are a few quick tips for you that can help:

Tip Number 1

Start visualizing what you do want instead of what you do not want.

Stay focused on what you want, and do not allow yourself to get distracted by the things that you don’t want.

Tip Number 2

Check on your support system.

Do you have a support system? Does your support system understand how lonely entrepreneurship can be? Does your support system see how sometimes you are sitting in a room all by yourself? How your doing things against all the obstacles that come up, how you are taking risks, and how money can be scary and you may not know when your paycheck is going to come in, or even how it is going to come in? Do they get it? If they don’t, look for a support system that specifically understands the unique and difficult challenges of entrepreneurship.

Tip Number 3

Get out your journal.

You may be thinking, “Oh my word, another journaling person.” No, journaling scientifically does things in our brains that moves out beliefs from one portion of our brain to the other and then out. This is not a one and done situation, you have to be regularly writing out your thoughts. Our limiting beliefs, and our negative thoughts don’t have to just stay inside of our brains. We can take action and move them out by writing.

Rewiring for success

I often take my clients through a four week process where we spend time rewiring our brains for success. Because the reality of all of this is that our brains are designed to keep us safe, and to keep us away from danger. Being entrepreneurs is hard on our brains because most of the things that we need to act on to succeed are way outside of our brains comfort zone.

We have so many responsibilities, we are the ones who work out our taxes and our business expenses. We are the ones who have to constantly be innovating. If we don’t innovate, no one else will, if we don’t innovate no one disapproves. But most importantly, if we do not innovate, our business dies.

All of that brings me to the point that I am really trying to focus on. You need to shift some things in order to stop all of the resisting in your life. My point is that what you resist persists, so if we stop resisting all of the things in our lives, then we naturally have to create a state of allowing. This is the place that caused me to feel a little uncomfortable. For me it was simply that I was sick and I would stay that way for a little while, until both I and my body as a whole was feeling better.

Instead of holding off, or feeling depressed or angry, what if we just sat with our feelings for a little while? What would that ultimately change? What space would that blow open inside of your heart? What creativity might start flowing? This conversation is so important to have with yourself.

For me this conversation looks a little like this. Yes I am sick. But instead of resisting that because it keeps persisting, I am going to accept it and allow it and recognize that I am still okay if nothing changes as quickly as I would like.

I am seeing alot of people right now focusing on change and strategy in their businesses. I am seeing articles like - Three quick tips that you do to market your business , or Three ways that you can create passive income. But you know the reality is that none of those things matter. If your brain is hardwired for failure, if it is hardwired to keep you limited and safe, you are going to be failing. All of those skills and strategies are like putting a bandaid on a wound that requires surgery. Does that method make any sense? No. What first needs to happen is you need to rewrite your beliefs, and rewire your brains.

Our brains filtration system

Our brains have something inside them called the Reticular Activating System. This is essentially our filter system. The world around causes us to receive way too much data into our brain at any one time, so our brains are made with a filter system. How our brains filter that data is based on what we believe. Our brains will look at what we believe - which is thought plus emotion repeated over and over and over again. Then our brains will take that and say, “I’ll just automate that belief and I’ll bring in everything that lines up with that belief and I will filter out anything that doesn’t.”

We spend so much of our time using our brains in their default setting, when our brains are meant to be our operating system that we program with our specifications, what we need. I believe that God has given us these beautiful brains and we don’t even invest any time in learning how to use them. All too often we let the outside circumstances dictate how we feel. However we need to remember that we create change from the inside out, like we are the thermostat. We set the temperature and it stays at that temperature no matter what the temperature is outside. We should be like a thermostat, not going up or down depending on the temperature that is around us. We set the temperature because we are working from the inside out.

Two important things to remember as you are developing your mindset in our business, or even if you are going through something in your life. What you resist persists, and Set the temperature for your own success. Don’t forget what can happen if you simply sit in the moment with your circumstances and embrace where you are at. You will not be disappointed with the results.

What does alignment mean? | How to create a business from an aligned place

Alignment is kinda a big buzzword right now. I see it everywhere! But, it’s been my theme for 2018 and today I’m sharing how this word came to me and what it means for my business.

You may already know that I’m a mindset and business coach. I work with female creative business owners to first transform their mindsets and then build businesses that thrive from the inside out.

Why is building a business from the inside out important to me?

Fear had a suffocating grip on me for the first 4 years of business ownership. It wasn’t until I experienced 4 painful losses in an 8 week time frame that I realized that I had the beautiful opportunity to rebuild from the inside out.

I learned how to cry.

I learned how to journal.

I learned how to heal.

And I learned how to grow.

And as I dedicated myself to the inner work-the journaling, prayer, meditation, and sitting with the feelings that were there, I completely transformed. And I realized that was the key for everyone in life and business. Doing the INNER work makes the OUTER work fall into place effortlessly.

How I set my intentions for 2018

As 2018 approached, I stepped back and looked at where I was. In the course of a year, I had lost much. I went from a broken, grieving place, not confident that I could make money on my own, to building a business from a place of purpose.

When I looked at my life at the end of 2017, I was SO proud of all of my growth! I felt like I was seeing all the pieces that were coming together to build a business of my dreams. But in that moment, it still felt like I had just dumped a box of puzzle pieces on a table. It felt like 2018 would be a year of putting the puzzle together.

The theme that kept coming through for me was this idea of the clicking together of puzzle piece, that feeling of relief when a chiropractor would realign my neck. That clicking into alignment was what felt like the next season for me.

So, not having a clue what alignment meant, I embraced that word for myself this year. As I prepared for and welcomed our son into the world, built a second business, expanded my tribe, and crossed my biggest dreams off of my vision board at a rapid pace, I started understanding this buzz word in new ways.

So, what is “alignment?”

Alignment is the idea that everything matches up from the inside out. You work, love, eat, and do all from a place of purpose. You choose growth over a fixed mindset. You lean into abundance and release scarcity. You find that you are enough without anyone else’s expectations placed upon you. And…the more you live in this place, the more you radiate confidence and joy and the more you attract people who love who you are and want what you do.

Alignment is ease, it’s flow. It’s this idea that you’re riding the current of a river. If you’re feeling like your business is in an uphill battle, that everything requires a lot of effort, that you face a lot of opposition, there’s a chance that you’re not building your business from a place of alignment.

Am I upper limiting? How I recognized and overcame an upper limit

I'm learning that I'm my own worst enemy. I want success...but I'm starting to see that I'm often the only thing standing in my way. I saw that SO clearly yesterday while performing!

Recognizing my upper limit problem

I began doing vocal performance for events when I was 14 years old. I was an awkward teenager in a new school and assumed a lot of pressure on myself. I mentioned it here, but I had a habit of choking (literally) during my actual performances. I'd swallow a note (like...I'd totally make a "GLUG!" sound. Oh my word.) in EVERY song at about the 2/3 mark. I'd get sick before every performance-wake up with a cold, sore throat, sometimes a sinus infection, definitely lots of snot happenin'. I was pretty sure I couldn't sing...and I always pulled through, just not at my best. 

I started noticing this pattern develop in other areas of my life. Anytime I was faced with the decision to step forward, be seen, or be in a place to be critiqued publicly, I'd choke. This past fall, I tested an idea of launching a live event. Every time I was ready to actually tell the world "I'm doing this! Come to my event!" I'd wake up the day of the scheduled action with a nasty cold. 

At first I thought it was a coincidence, but then I started wondering if it was a form of self-sabotage! Who knows? It sounded so crazy to me, but I I figured it was worth knowing how I was standing in my own way. 

Learning about upper limits

I started reading The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks and within a few pages, I had a pretty clear picture of my self sabotage. From getting physically sick EVERY time I needed to step into the spotlight to messing up during my performance...every time, I saw that I just couldn't handle the level of success I was aiming for. My brain sensed the dissonance and tried to take one for the team and keep me safe. 

Breaking my upper limit

But I'm not staying safe this year. I'm moving fast and breaking things. I'm testing ideas, learning, making mistakes, and growing. So, this past sunday I began my first upper limit problem test!

I was scheduled to lead worship at my church and as I got there, my nerves set in. I felt the mucus building up in my throat and blocking my voice. I felt my throat tightening to the point that no sound would come out. And all of a sudden, I had a case of dry mouth like nothing I've ever experienced. I literally couldn't shape words. Images of past failures flooded my mind. Times when I completely FORGOT the words to our national anthem in a stadium filled with people, when my voice cracked on the big note, the countless times I choked on a noted and made that ridiculous "GLUG!" sound right into the mic. I could taste the hot lemon water I'd down, hoping it would stop my incessant throat clearing. 

Visualizing my ideal state 

And then I stopped listening to myself. I decided that I'm the thinker of my thoughts and it was time to choose a positive thought. As I sat on the hard stool under the spotlights, doing sound checks, I coached myself and it sounded like this: 
"hey! It's okay to feel scared! Everyone here loves you though. There's no pressure. Think of one time you sang your lungs out and felt no stress. You sang and you loved it. There was no pressure. Just singing."

And soon enough, I could see myself worshiping in church, singing, my mind lighting up with ideas for new sounds. My hands raised in heartfelt worship, tears streaming down my face. There was no pressure, there was only love and earnest, heartfelt singing. 

"there you go. Negative thoughts are easy. This year's not for easy, it's for breaking things. Focus on that thought. Only that thought. No pressure, no one telling you what not to do. Just sing."

And I sang. The sound that came out during sound checks was quite frankly awful. I squawked a flat few bars into the mic and immediately apologized to everyone, scratching my neck furiously and feeling so ashamed. 

"You know, it doesn't have to be this way, Steph. You can choose not to stay here. You can break the limit. You can JUST enjoy singing. You can be real and let it go. You don't need to clear your throat first. You're fine. Just sing."

And I tried again. I was a little surprised to hear a voice that had so little stress in it. I was used to covering my stress by manipulating and forcing the sound of my voice. But this sound rang out true and clear! I actually startled myself, then I tried again.

Taking the big leap

"There you go! Now, leap. You can have more. You can have better. You have something to say. Don't wait. Don't ask permission. Just sing. Invite people in."

And I did. Everytime I felt the panic rise, I pictured myself in that ideal state, singing with abandon and joy. I sang. I smiled. I shared important things with people I loved. 

And I made the leap.

Have you ever experienced an upper limit problem in your life? Comment below: what are the signs that you're reaching your upper limit in an area? Do you get sick? Pick a fight with someone you're perfectly happy with? start thinking negative thoughts in an otherwise peaceful situation? Create a problem?

The difference between hustle and hard work

I remember hearing a well-known coach talk about building her business to a million dollars a year. Of course, I was ALL ears! How did she do it? I want to do that too!

While she shared her insider secrets, she often used the word hustle, like this: “you’ve got to hustle to make the money.” or “it takes hustle to grow your business.”

I immediately pictured high school volleyball practice doing shuffle squats across the court as my coach yelled “hustle hustle hustle!” I was doing meaningful work that prepared me to be agile on the court…but when my coach yelled hustle, what she was communicating was that we needed to go faster.

And that’s the problem-well one of them-with hustle culture. It’s not about the work, it’s about the speed of the work.

Defining the difference between hard work and hustle

In my true 5th grade teacher fashion (I used to teach 5th grade), let’s start by defining the terms.

the reality is that everyone has a unique association to the words hustle and hard work. So, when you say each of these words, what immediately comes to mind?

That’s your mental representation of this word. is it a picture? Mind movie? sound? experience? Some or even all of the above? Mine is a memory in the form of a mind movie-it’s silent, but I can feel the shuffle squats.

Now, here’s how I define these two terms:

Hard work

In physics, there’s a law that goes like this:

Force * Mass = Acceleration

And it can absolutely be used for business growth-it’s essentially the compound effect at work. When you apply yourself to a given outcome through regular, incremental steps, you will succeed.

Hard work is a deeply individual term-everyone has their own specific idea of how much, what type, or how long is “hard work” to them. My belief is that hard work is simply effort. And effort is force APPLIED toward something. We all put in effort and it’s required to run your business. No matter if it's strategy, time, money, or leveraging your network, effort must be applied in order to succeed.

Hard work = effort

now let’s talk hustle

Hustle

When I looked up the terms, hustle gave the idea of being forceful, pushy, or busy. That’s exactly what I thought it might mean!

So let’s think about this for a minute-have you ever been in a sales situation where someone was selling you something in a forceful or coercive way? (I’ve been to my share of MLM “parties,” so yes from me.) Have you ever felt bad and heard yourself saying “yes!” spilling out of your mouth when you actually wanted with every fiber of your being to say “NO”?

I believe that forceful, coercive, pushy element of “hustle culture” is one very simple thing:

We’re saying yes when we mean no. We’re crossing our own boundaries to get what we want.

Change my mind.

But before you do, take a second and think-when you’ve “hustled,” what personal boundaries have you crossed? Have you sat at your computer until you’ve had a headache? Deprived yourself of nutritious food because you’re “in the zone?” Or skipped out on breaks or moving your body because you just had so much to do?

Hydration, nutrition, sleep, and movement are essential human needs-if you find yourself regularly bulldozing past them, minimizing them, or getting frustrating with yourself for needing something, you’re in hustle mode and it’s not good.

We usually decide it’s time to “hustle” when we feel some kind of overwhelm. And we think the solution involves bypassing ourselves to get the results we want.

So, to recap:

• Hard work is NOT hustling.

• Hard work = effort

• Hustling = boundary crossing

I personally believe that we go from effort to hustle when we choose to ignore or even bypass our personal needs in order to accomplish a goal. THAT's the difference.

So, are you ignoring your needs for rest, creativity, socializing?

Are you bypassing simple needs, like hydration, nutrition, and movement?

Are you working until you're in physical pain?

That's not hard work, that's hustle. And it's not sustainable.

So What do you do now?

How to recover from hustle mentality

It’s important to recognize that somewhere along the way, you’ve linked your identity to time or money, resulting in hustle.

So while slowing down is a natural solution to hustle, as you’re slowing down, begin looking into when you linking these things together, why you did, and what you were trying to accomplish.

You may enjoy reading some personal growth books-Check my book recommendations here and here.

You may recognize that you’ve got something bigger going on and you’d like help getting rid of that mental roadblock. I’d recommend setting up a discovery call with me to pinpoint the type of support you’d most benefit from.

And for the one who likes time to review and assess all their options, here are my top 3 recommended programs for you:

$-The Momentum Challenge

this self-lead 5 day challenge helps you identify and break through limiting beliefs as simply as possible so you can build momentum and accomplish your goals.

$$-Magnetic Minds

Self-study success program helping you create goals and success habits, clear your blocks and magnetically manifest what you want.

$$$-Blindspot Breakthrough

Over the course of 4 1:1 sessions together, we are going to pinpoint and rewire your biggest blocks. I will use NLP techniques to release these blocks in your unconscious mind so success begins to feel effortless to you .

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My favorite books part 2 | energy and success

Mindset books are what got me hooked on personal growth to begin with…but the first time I cracked open a book on energy and success..I wasn’t prepared for how triggered I felt! I knew I wasn’t taking responsibility for who I was being while I was working…and that needed to change.

My top picks are easy to read-whether because of humor, story, or just the comfort in knowing that being a loving person pays off.

Comment below-what books do you recommend?

Books on Energy and Success

E2 by Pam Grout

This book is a terrific primer on your energy. Pam’s great sense of humor, numerous stories to help make her point, and the experiments at the end of each chapter will leave you knowing first hand that mindset isn’t the ONLY thing playing a role in you creating a life you love. Read or listen to this. Do the experiments. And ask yourself what needs to change in your energy in order to change your results.

You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay

I’ve been on quite the journey to improve my life and when I read You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, it really changed my perspective on personal wellness. I don’t think it’s smart to believe in a “magic pill” type of approach to wellness-the idea that one thing is going to cure all our maladies.

This book really offered me the opportunity to understand how unresolved thoughts and emotions do affect our bodies so much. Caring for our thoughts and emotions can contribute to our health and wellbeing and is an important result of mindset work.

The Law of Divine Compensation by Marianne Williamson

This was an early read in my personal growth journey and I wasn’t quite ready for it. When I returned to it, I gained so much! Who we’re being is what we get back in the world. And this book breaks it down so we see the transforming power of being a loving and compassionate, and empowered person. Such a good read!

You2 by Price Pritchett

Oh my word-this tiny little pamphlet is a very short read, but opens with a story that struck home with me in a big way. If you want to learn how to create quantum growth in your life, this is the primer for that. Like a dreamy pep-talk to help you refocus and create results in quantum leaps!

Coaching books

The Prosperous Coach by Steve Chandler and Rich Litvin

I can’t for the life of me grasp why this book is $40, but I am glad I bought it! As much as I love improving myself, I LOVE my craft. I adore learning how to be an excellent coach and I love what I do. I’ve fallen hard for coaching and I’ve found something I believe my soul was made to do. So learning how to be prosperous while doing it was what drew me to this book. My biggest takeaway was this: in a world of coaches trying to scale group programs, no longer offering 1:1 coaching, and focusing on online course, you can run a highly profitable and transformative 1:1 coaching practice. It was so nice to hear from someone who is genuinely passionate for the 1:1 work as I am and makes multiple 7-figures doing it. If you love coaching, this is a great read!

Comment below and share your favorite books!

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My favorite mindset books of all time! Part 1

I have a few books I go back to again and again-for myself and for my clients! And whether you read them or listen to them, you’ll get so much value! So, I’m sharing my top recommendations for books to help you change your mindset in a few VERY important areas. Let’s go!

*this post contains purchase links, but no affiliate links. I am not making a commission off of my recommendations :)

Growth Mindset Books

Mindset by Carol Dweck

My all time favorite mindset book, and the one that began my personal growth journey is Mindset by Carol Dweck. This is one of the most well known bodies of research on the topic of a growth mindset vs. a fixed mindset and it shattered the way I used to see myself, my achievements, my potential, and my life. Since reading this book, I’ve continually challenged myself to practice a growth mindset, challenge any limitation, and pursue curiosity.

Grit by Angela Duckworth

I feel so emotional even recommending this book and here’s why:

My husband read it before I had begun my personal growth journey. He would read parts of it to me and ask me if I could envision behaving in a “grit” way. I would get so upset and rant about how that was “so unrealistic-not everyone is meant to be that way.”

What I didn’t know was that 5 years later, I’d revisit this book up out of curiosity and my husband would reread to me the characteristics of a person with grit. Now, I felt this warm certainty in my belly and said the words “I can’t imagine ever giving up on my dream.”

What I really can’t believe is the transformation I created between the time I literally whined and cried about the idea of having “grit” and saying the words “I can’t imagine giving up on my dream.”

I’ve changed and this book helped me easily see that!

Books on Limiting beliefs

The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks

The Big Leap is a book that everyone has some kind of a lightbulb moment around. If you want to identify your biggest themes in your limiting beliefs and you want to change the way you approach the work you do so you begin to see rapid results, The Big Leap is a FABULOUS read or listen. I cannot recommend this book enough. In fact, for a long time, I required my private clients to read Mindset and The Big Leap before we began private mentorship together. This was my coaching “starter kit” so to speak.

You are a Badass by Jen Sincero

I don’t know if it’s her self-deprecating sense of humor, her dramatic sense of voice (which I relate to so much!) or how simple she makes limiting beliefs and manifestation, but this book is such a fun read for overcoming limiting beliefs and manifesting a life you love!

Money Mindset Books

Rich As F*ck by Amanda Frances

I bought this book and I’ll admit-I was a bit scandalized by the title. I mean…I don’t use the F-word so…how do I recommend a book I can’t really say the title of? Oh the stress....

I’m glad I got over that overthinking moment though because this book was exactly what I needed! I’ve read the old money mindset standards by Napolean Hill and Wallace Wattles, but I personally was bored and tired of hearing from privileged white men from a century ago. Enter Amanda. While still white, she’s a woman and multi-millionaire in my industry. And as I read her book, I began seeing solutions to money moves I’d previously felt intimidated by. She talks about not waiting for a man to do the money work and that was one of my biggest takeaways. By the end of the book, I’d open investment accounts I’d previously felt stuck even starting. And I feel confident that I can take care of myself and my future, no matter if my husband plays a role in it.

Could there be anything more powerful than standing on your own two feet financially?

I have another post coming up with my favorite books on the topics of energy, success, and coaching-you’ll want to come back for that read!

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